Eyes On Fire
by HazyStarLight
Summary: What if when Edward left, he foolishly wasn't concerned about Victoria? What if that was the biggest mistake of his life? This is a story about Bella healing herself after a horrifying event in her life. She needs Edward there to help her work through all of the damage that has been done. ExB. OOC. AU. Trauma. Hurt. Comfort. Forgiveness. Healing. Love. Romance.
1. Chapter 1

**I OWN NOTHING. SM OWNS TWILIGHT. ALL I OWN IS MY DARK THOUGHTS :)**

 **THIS ISN'T BETA'D, SO PLEASE BE GENTLE WITH ME!**

 **A/N: I've had this story stuck in my head and it wanted to come out! This starts out dark but it's really a story about healing and comfort and getting back to where you used to be.**

 **Story Summary: What if when Edward left, he didn't think of Victoria as a threat? What if that was the biggest mistake of his life? Victoria kidnaps Bella with the help of Riley. They torture her before Edward comes and rescues her. This is a story about Bella healing and forgiving Edward and trying to get her life back. She needs Edward to help her along the way.**

 **WARNING! WARNING: THIS FIRST CHAPTER CONTAINS SCENES OF TORTURE AND MENTION OF RAPE. IF THAT'S NOT YOUR CUP OF TEA DO NOT READ! THIS IS FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY! SKIP THIS CHAPTER IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO READ ABOUT VIOLENCE! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!**

 **Some chapters will be long and some short. It depends on how much comes out when I write.**

 _ **I don't have a posting schedule. I have a baby that is under a year old so she takes up most of my time but I promise I'll try and post as often as possible.**_

Chapter One.

SONG: Running Up That Hill

 _And if I only could,_  
 _Make a deal with God,_  
 _And get him to swap our places,_  
 _Be running up that road,_  
 _Be running up that hill,_  
 _Be running up that building._  
 _If I only could, oh..._

* * *

 _Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip._

My blood hitting the cement floor is the loudest noise in the room. The smell of blood fills my nose and makes me nauseous.

She smiles at me, so beautiful and so angry. "I wish he were here to see this," She sighs as if she's lost in thought.

I just stare at her, unable to speak. She turns away from me and looks at Riley, a young life she stole just for this. She smiles at him and he moves closer to me. I close my eyes; hoping I'll die soon. Sometimes I pray but my prays are never answered. It's like God forgot about me and is letting this happen to me. I'm not religious but I feel like I need someone, _anyone_ , to hear me. To help me. But I know no one will. I'll die alone here, at her hands. She leaves the room as Riley starts to remove my pants. She doesn't like to watch this part, maybe it's the only human part of her that's left. I'm trying to focus on not vomiting when he unties me from the chair I sit on and moves me over to the bed. She's made it up to look like my bed. Everything is the same, purple comforter and all. I stare at the ceiling as he moves roughly above me. When he first raped me, I thought he would kill me. He hurt me so bad, they were afraid I would bleed to death. He crushed my pelvis. She brought a doctor to me, demanding he fix me. When he helped me as best as he could, preventing me from dying, she ripped his throat out in front of me.

I should have been more scared of vampires but loving Edward made me soft. With Edward around, I wasn't scared of anything. Now he's gone; left me to fend for myself with the monsters still running around. I guess he wasn't worried that she would do anything. After all, it was her mate that wanted to kill me. When he killed James, it took a piece of her with him. She wanted that piece back so torturing me was the closest thing for her. It didn't matter, Edward was gone and I had nothing. My heart hurt for Charlie, he was probably still looking for me. It had been weeks now and I was sure he was probably losing hope. I knew the statistics for missing people. I knew I would be dead soon and I wondered if she would let him find my body. At least give him the comfort of being able to bury me in his home town. I have no idea where I am. I'm sure, though, we aren't in Forks any longer.

I shiver at Riley's cold body against mine and he pauses. He looks down at me and I meet his eyes. I'm begging him to kill me with my eyes when he rolls off of me with a hiss and storms out. She comes back into the room. Her face gives away nothing as she walks toward me. She pulls me up from the bed with one hand and slams me back into the chair. I cry out as pain rocks through my body.

"Oh, honey, you haven't felt pain yet." She promises.

I know she's going to punish me for not letting Riley finish with me and I mentally prepare myself for the pain I'm about to endure. I'm hoping I'll pass out quickly. She reaches for my left hand and takes my pinky in her hers. She tears it clean off my hand before I can even blink. My body doesn't register the pain for a full minute before I let out a horrified scream.

She smiles evilly, "Now that's better," She hums in pleasure.

I watch her take my pinky and pop it into her mouth. She makes loud sucking noises before crunching on the bone like it's a piece of chicken. That's all it takes and then I'm puking up everything out of my empty stomach. I'm dry heaving as she laughs loudly, fully enjoying this.

"Please," I beg her. "Please kill me."

"Not yet," She responds as she circles me like her prey.

She taps on her blood stained lips, "What should we do next? Hmm..." She pretends to ponder, "Oh! I know! We should cut you open and look at your insides! I'm sure I'll be able to sew you back up before you bleed to death."

I shake my head; my eyes wide with fear, "No! Please! I won't do anything else! I promise! I'll be good! I'm sorry! I'll let him do whatever he wants and won't react!" I plead.

She smirks at me, "You promise?" She taunts.

I nod my head yes at her and watch as she lifts my left leg. She takes it so gently in her hands before snapping it; twisting it so my foot is facing the wrong direction.

I scream in agony, "Please, Victoria!" I finally say her name out loud. It makes her look at me curiously as she waits for me to continue. "Please, just kill me. If you have any human part of you left in there, please, put me out of my misery." Tears are streaking down my cheeks and into the corners of my mouth.

She let's something pass in her eyes before it's gone within a second, "Okay," She finally agrees.

"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, God." I chant over and over.

I close my eyes as I feel the sharp blade of a knife enter my abdomen. I clench my teeth; trying to hold back the scream that fights it's way out. She brings her hand back down and as the knife pierces my chest, near where my heart lies, the door bursts open.

"Bella!" A voice I know so well shouts.

I let out a painful breath, thinking I'm dying, before my vision starts to get hazy around the edges. Before the darkness can fully consume me, I see _him_ standing in front me. I think he's God for a second because of how breathtakingly beautiful he is but I know that face. I've spent hours memorizing it. I reach out for him and he let's out a broken sob.

"Edward," I say; my voice is thick. With blood and tears.

"I've got you, baby. I've got you. You're safe." He promises me and I don't feel scared anymore.

I'm where I need to be.


	2. Chapter 2

**I OWN NOTHING. SM OWNS TWILIGHT. ALL I OWN IS MY DARK THOUGHTS :)**

 **THIS ISN'T BETA'D, SO PLEASE BE GENTLE WITH ME!**

 **WARNING: TALK OF VIOLENCE AND RAPE. NOTHING GRAPHIC IN DETAIL THOUGH. THIS STORY IS RATED M FOR A REASON. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.**

 **Some chapters will be long and some short. It depends on how much comes out when I write.**

 _ **I don't have a posting schedule. I have a baby that is under a year old so she takes up most of my time but I promise I'll try and post as often as possible.**_

 **Hey! Leave a review so I know what you guys are thinking! Do you love it? Do you hate it? Always try and be respectful though; there's no need for hatred. Thanks for taking the time to read my story!**

Chapter Two.

Song: I miss you by Blink-182

 _Where are you?_  
 _And I'm so sorry_  
 _I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight_  
 _I need somebody and always_  
 _This sick strange darkness_  
 _Comes creeping on so haunting every time_

 **A/N: JUST IN CASE IT WASN'T OBVIOUS. VICTORIA AND RILEY ARE VERY MUCH DEAD. THE CULLENS OBVIOUSLY KILLED THEM.**

* * *

The sun hitting my bare arms is what wakes me.

I smile to myself. Is this what heaven feels like? It's warm. I wasn't expecting that. To still feel so alive. It's so quiet around me; all I can hear is my breathing. Then, I feel something brush against my fingers. It's the lightest of touch; almost like a feather. I want to open my eyes but they feel so heavy.

"Open those beautiful brown eyes for me, baby."

I want to sob. That voice is so beautiful. My throat is dry as I croak out, "Edward."

"Yes, I'm here, Bella, please open your eyes," He begs.

I can't have that so I force my sandpaper eyes open and stare into caramel gold ones. They're the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.

"Hi," He says and he looks like he'd be crying if he could.

He is so tragically handsome, even with his devastated expression. I stare back at him. I have so many things I want to say but I don't know how to get them out. They bubble in my chest; threatening to burst out all at once.

"You left me." I finally say.

He holds my gaze before looking away, so unlike him, "I..." He sighs heavily, "If I said I did it for your own good, would that upset you?" He asks me.

I stare unseeingly at the gold comforter that cocoons me, "Because of what happened with Jasper?" I question.

He tugs at his messy bronze hair and chuckles without humor, "I was trying to protect you from us and all I did was almost get you killed. I will never forgive myself."

I pick at a hangnail on my left thumb before bringing it up to my mouth to chew on. His hands stop me. My eyes lift and meet his.

He speaks again, "Will _you_ ever be able to forgive me?" He wonders and his words are so sad.

I stare into his eyes; holding his gaze and try to read them. I want so badly to tell him yes - that nothing he could do would ever be unforgivable but I can't. I break our gaze and look back down. This time I stare at his long fingers. I reach out and take one of his hands but it's cold so I immediately drop it. Memories flood through my brain before I can stop them. I go to scoot away from him quickly but I end up slipping and falling off the bed. He makes no attempt to reach for me as he peers over the bed. A sharp pain twists in my stomach and I look down to see the white t-shirt I'm wearing slowly starts to turn red. I've broken open one of my stitches in my stomach.

My eyes dart back up to Edward, "Don't come near me," I grit out from clenched teeth. Afraid he will attack me because of the blood.

I hear him exhale shakily, "Bella, let me help you," He pleads.

"Edward... the blood," I say and look down.

I'm bleeding more now; the blood is dripping down onto my thighs. _Shit_. When I look back up, Edward is standing in front of me. He makes a show of being super slow as he reaches for me. I let him pick me up and he carries me out of the room I was in. He walks down the long hallway and into a room that looks like it belongs in a hospital. There's a hospital bed in the center and all sorts of hospital equipment surrounding us. He sets me down on the bed.

"Would you like me to get Carlisle? But, you do know that I've gotten my medical degree twice now. So I know what I'm doing," He tells me. He's looking at me as if I'm a wounded animal and I hate it.

I huff angrily; feeling the tears build, "I know you think I'm disgusting now, so why are you even here?" I snap.

He looks taken aback, "Disgusting? How could you think that?" He almost hisses at me; his eyes are slits now.

I pick up the closest thing my hands can reach and throw it at him. It hits his chest and shatters into pieces. I keep throwing things until the tears are so heavy that I can no longer see. My chest is heaving greatly as I slowly slide off the bed and onto the cold floor. Blood is everywhere now but I don't care. I can no longer hear anything over the sobs that wreck havoc on my body. I'm gasping now; unable to breathe when Edward slides down onto the floor with me. He wraps his strong arms around me and crushes me to his chest.

"Don't... touch... me!" I sob in between words but my fingers clutch his shirt and pull him closer.

"I've got you, baby; I'll never let go," He chants.

"You left me! You left me to get raped! You left me to get tortured and mutilated! I'm disgusting now! She's taken everything from me! I have _nothing_!" I scream and cry at the same time.

He strokes my back, "You have me. I promise you, Bella, I'm never leaving you again. Never."

But I can't trust him. He left me before. What's to stop him if something else happens? Something with Jasper? Or if my nervous breakdowns become too much for him? _I can't trust him._ I can't trust anyone. He'll leave again. They'll all leave and I'll be alone. I'll die alone. With just the memories of someone else violating my body. Of someone else touching me that isn't Edward when all I've ever wanted was him.

"I don't trust you! You'll leave me again! Just kill me! Make the pain stop!" I cry.

He holds me tighter, "Please, Bella," He groans as if I'm physically hurting him.

"You leaving me hurt worse than her ripping off my pinky," I tell him and I want to hurt him. I want him to hurt as much as I'm hurting. A sound comes from his lips that sounds almost like a whimper. As if _he's_ the wounded animal. I ignore it and keep going, "It hurt worse than being raped... being ripped apart, being raped so violently that my pelvis was broken. That after he was done raping me, I thought I was going to die. I prayed for it."

He sounds as if he's gasping now, "Bella," He whispers my name. His face is buried in my hair.

My left hand hits the floor and I search for something broken. I find glass and quickly bring it to my wrist. I press it to my skin and a bead of blood escapes. Before I can go any further though, he rips the glass out of my hand; cutting me in the process.

I watch, fascinated with the blood that drips down my hand, before looking back at him. "Blood used to freak me out, remember? Now... I think it's beautiful."

He stares at me as though he's afraid I've lost my mind and maybe I have. He doesn't say anything when he lifts me gently off the floor and puts me back on the bed.

I stare straight ahead; getting lost in thought before suddenly looking at him again, "Do you love me Edward?" I ask him.

He pauses from bandaging my hand, "I've always loved you, Bella, and I always will," He replies and moves to check on my stomach.

"Then why won't you kill me?" I demand.

His eyes flick back up to mine, "Because I love you."

 _I don't care._ "I want to die."

"I won't let you." He states simply and continues to work on restitching me.

"You never loved me," I bite out. "I'm not pretty enough for you. Not _good_ enough for you."

"You know that's not true," He says, hurt.

"That's what you said when you left me, that I wasn't good enough for you," I return.

"No, that's what you thought I said, you twisted my words into what you wanted to hear."

I stop and think about that. Going back to that moment in the woods. He's right. He didn't say that in those words. I heard my own insecurities because he made it easy to.

"I'm disgusting now, Edward. You shouldn't be with someone like me. Someone used and broken. I was saving my virginity for you. I didn't want anyone else touching me but you. I wanted your hands on me the first time we made love and now - " I look down at my hands and blink the tears out of my eyes. "He took that from me. _She_ took that from me. It was yours and now it's gone."

He puts a cold finger under my chin - _I try not to flinch_ \- and raises my head to look at him. His eyes are intense as he stares into mine. His hands cup my face and so slowly he lowers his face to mine. His lips touch mine and sparks shoot through me. I thought they were gone. I thought I would never feel that again. He keeps his lips on mine, unmoving, for what feels like an eternity. I want to hold him against me and never let him leave. I start to move my lips and he responds. He kisses me until I'm breathless. Until my body is jelly. Until I feel like I'm being pulled under dark water. Until I feel alive again. That's all I want - to feel like Edward wants me.

I feel his erection against me and it makes my heart pound. He starts to pull away from me.

I cling to him, "No!" I shout and turn red in embarrassment for being so loud. "Don't let go of me!" I beg him as I hold him tighter against me.

He sighs in relief, "Never," He promises.

I rest my head on his silent chest and try not to cry.

"It's okay, Bella," He assures me.

So I let go and know that he'll be there to pick me up again after I've shattered into a million pieces.

* * *

 **Please, leave a review so I know what you guys think :) Thanks for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

**I OWN NOTHING. SM OWNS TWILIGHT. ALL I OWN IS MY DARK THOUGHTS :)**

 **THIS ISN'T BETA'D, SO PLEASE BE GENTLE WITH ME!**

 **Some chapters will be long and some short. It depends on how much comes out when I write.**

 _ **I don't have a posting schedule. I have a baby that is under a year old so she takes up most of my time but I promise I'll try and post as often as possible.**_

 **Hey! Leave a review so I know what you guys are thinking! Do you love it? Do you hate it? Always try and be respectful though; there's no need for hatred. Thanks for taking the time to read my story!**

 _Chapter Three._

 _Song: Ordinary World by Joy Williams (Cover)_

 _But I won't cry for yesterday_  
 _There's an ordinary world_  
 _Somehow I have to find_  
 _And as I try to make my way_  
 _To the ordinary world_  
 _I will learn to survive_

* * *

 _Three weeks_.

That's how long it's been since I've seen Edward. I just need time, I had told him. I couldn't look him in the eye when I said it because I knew I'd cave and stay with him. I feel bad for Charlie. He hasn't gone to work since I came home. I just couldn't be alone. I had been alone for so long and I just need someone that loves me to stay with me. I scream at night; bothering Charlie so I don't sleep any more. He knows I'm up at all hours of the night.

"I think we need to get someone you can talk to, baby," Charlie tells me as we sit in the kitchen.

"I talk to you," I argue lightly; knowing that's a lie.

He shoots me a look, "Someone you can open up to and talk about what...happened to you," He replies.

I look down at the kitchen table, "Does it bother you I don't talk to you?" I ask him.

I see him shift around from the corner of my eye, "I...I don't want you to have to relive that stuff, Bella, but I think it would be good to talk about, get it out of your mind so it's not locked up there anymore," He finally answers, his greying eyebrows pulled together.

I study him for a second. He looks so much older now. He's greying in places he never use to be and he has stress lines along his eyes and mouth. I realize, with a twist to my heart, that I've caused this. I've stressed him out so much with all of this that he's getting old in his young age. It makes me sad.

"Some times... some times I think it was my fault, I wasn't strong enough to fight back, to escape-" I sniffle and wipe my nose with my hand, "I thought about you a lot, about how you were probably still looking for me and how upset you would be if you never found me, if you didn't have a body to bury." I'm fully sobbing now.

I hear the noise that escapes him and then I'm in his arms as he murmurs 'my baby' over and over. He rocks us and I feel like a little girl again. Safe in her daddy's strong arms. We stay like that for what seems like hours before he pulls away and discreetly wipes his wet face.

"You know that's not your fault, Bella, I just...you're my baby girl, my only child; I would die if you died," He tells me with watery chocolate eyes.

I believe him. I touch his scruffy cheek, "Can I pick the person I talk to?" I ask.

He chuckles; the intense air around us disappearing, "Of course you can," He says happily.

I nod, "Okay, I'll talk to someone then."

...

...

.

...

...

I sit in front of the one person I know will never judge me or look at me with pitiful eyes.

"Thank you for agreeing to see me," I tell him.

Carlisle smiles warmly at me, "Of course, Bella, I would never turn you away," He says.

I want to argue about that and tell him he did when he followed Edward but I don't.

"Charlie thinks I need to talk to someone," I say plainly.

He nods in agreement, "Are you sure I'm the best person?" He questions.

"Yes, I can't be honest with another human, I can't tell them all the things that were done to me, but most of all, I don't want to see another person looking at me with those sad, pitiful eyes," I state strongly.

"Am I keeping our conversations private?" He wonders and I know he's asking about Edward.

I shake my head, "No, you can let Edward listen, I'm trying to rebuild our relationship," I say honestly.

That makes him smile before he gets serious, "Before we continue, Bella, is there any way you can forgive me for so blindly following my son?" He asks me.

I scratch my fingers against my jeans, "I'm trying to understand why Edward took my choice in the matter away; I'm working very hard to...not blame him for what happened, I know that he isn't... Victoria but everything that led up to what happened traces back to Edward who left me here without protection."

"I'm not making excuses for him but that's just how Edward thinks," He shakes his head, "It doesn't make it right but I don't think you can change how an old man like Edward thinks; you know the saying, 'You can't teach an old dog new tricks'."

I huff, "That's a poor excuse for someone who doesn't want to change no matter how wrong their way of thinking is," I argue.

He holds up his palms to me, "I agree with you, Bella; I would never take away another living creatures right to choose."

"I know, I know that, Carlisle, I know that's why Esme decided to stay with you, you're a loving, patient man."

His face softens at me, "Thank you for those kind words, Bella, I have tried to be a good... _man_ , but people know how to show the worst of humanity and push me to the edge," He says truthfully.

 _Ain't that the truth._ "How do you think someone could hurt another person like Victoria did? Is there nothing good left? Is there just evil left?" I fire the questions at him.

He presses his palms together in a praying way and leans forward, "I don't believe in evil. I think for anyone, person or otherwise, to be able to hurt another living creature... there's nothing left inside of them that makes them human. Compassion. Empathy. Remorse." He pauses to look me in the eye, "You've heard of a psychopath?" He asks and continues when I nod, "They don't have a conscience. See, they don't care who they hurt as long as they get what they want; they're skilled actors. They won't stop until they complete their goal and if that means killing everyone in their way, so be it."

"So, I was just a goal of hers; she really wanted to hurt, Edward, and didn't give two shits about me," I pause. "She was going to kill me no matter what." I realize.

"Yes." He agrees.

I stare at the floor, "She took the life of a young boy for this, Carlisle; stole his future just so she could fuck with Edward," I tell him.

He nods sadly at me, "He was expendable to her, Bella; she would have likely killed him after she was finished with you."

I continue to look at the floor, "She ate my pinky, Carlisle, tore it off and ate it like it was nothing more than a piece of meat," I say with no emotion.

"She was an animal, Bella, that needed to be put down; she was most likely this way before being turned into a vampire," He tells me.

I look up, "Like, she was born that way?" I wonder.

"Yes, psychopaths are born and sociopaths are made," He explains. "It's hard to say which Victoria was since I didn't speak with her that much but it could be possible James trained her in which case she would be a sociopath, she enjoyed hunting people and hurting them that much I knew."

"Nice, a psychopathic vampire," I say and then laugh. "That's _so_ my life."

He laughs with me, "It's nice to hear you laugh again, Bella."

I look at him, "I'm really trying, Carlisle, I really am," I promise. Him or me, I don't know.

"I know, sweetheart, I know you are."

"Do you think we could get Edward in here? You could maybe be a mediator for us?" I ask.

His eyes light up, "That sounds like a wonderful idea!" He exclaims.

Carlisle doesn't have to say anything else because there's a knock on the door and Edward walks in. He looks beautiful as usual but also... _tired_. His eyes are black and deep purple sits underneath them. His eyes meet mine before he slowly sits beside me on the brown leather couch.

"Hi," He greets me; his eyes on my face.

"Hi," I mimic.

It feels like it's been years since I've seen him and I have to fight the urge to touch him but also run away. The feelings conflict inside me and make me want to cry. So I do. His face falls and he looks to Carlisle for help. I've never seen him helpless before.

"What's upsetting you, Bella?" Carlisle prompts.

I hiccup as I try to calm down, "I'm just overwhelmed, I think."

He shakes his head, "Be honest with me," He pushes.

I take a deep breath in, "I'm afraid I'll never be able to let Edward touch me the way I want him to!" I cry. "I just want to be a normal girl and do normal stuff with her teenaged boyfriend."

Edward exhales loudly and it sounds almost like relief.

"It's only been a month, Bella," Carlisle shakes his head, "You're going to need more time to heal."

"Why can't you just fix me?" I beg and cry.

My eyes are sore from all the crying I do and I press my palms against them. I feel cold against my skin and it makes me jerk. Edward yanks his hand away from me; apologizing. I tell him no and take his hand in mine. I lace our fingers together and force back the vomit that threatens to break free.

"Don't push yourself," Carlisle warns me.

Tears cloud my eyes again and I look down; letting the tears fall onto Edward's hand. He lifts his free hand slowly and wipes them from my cheeks. I visibly flinch from the cold but he doesn't stop which makes me happy.

"I feel sick every time I feel the cold against me," I tell Edward honestly.

He holds my gaze, "I wish I could make my skin warm. I would do anything for you, baby," He breathes.

The tears are streaking down my cheeks again. "Anything?" I repeat.

He cups my cheek and I hold back the flinch this time, "Yes."

"Will you take me on a date?" I ask him.

The question catches him off guard, "A date?" He questions.

"I'd like for you to date me, like a normal girl, make me feel human again, alive again. _P_ _lease_ ," I beg him, "I need it."

His face brightens, "You don't ever have to beg me for anything, baby, I'll give you everything," He assures me.

I stare at him for a long second before Carlisle speaks, "I think that's a wonderful idea! I think taking this slow is what Bella needs," He tells him.

I'm still staring at Edward, "If you decide you want to leave me again, you better not come back, even if something happens to me, even if I'm about to be killed, I won't want to see you ever again, I can't handle you leaving again, I need stability in my life, I need people who love me," I tell him, heat in my voice.

He stares right back at me, black eyes intense, "I love you, Bella."

My heart breaks a little at his words, "Prove it," I return.

His eyes smolder, "Can I take you out tomorrow?" He asks and his voice has a slight edge to it as if he's worried I might say no to him.

As if I can. "What time?" I tease him and actually smile.

"How about six?" He suggest.

"Six sounds good," I agree.

He grins at me, that lopsided grin that I love so much. "It's a date." He says and picks my hand up to press to his lips.

The pounding of my heart fills my ears. The loudest thing in the room and I stare at Edward for a long silent moment before saying a prayer.

 _God, please let me be okay. I love him so much. I just want to be okay. Please._

* * *

 **Please, leave a review so I know what you guys think :) Thanks for reading!**


	4. Chapter 4

**I OWN NOTHING. SM OWNS TWILIGHT. ALL I OWN IS MY DARK THOUGHTS :)**

 **THIS ISN'T BETA'D, SO PLEASE BE GENTLE WITH ME!**

 **WARNING: WARNING! WARNING! SELF HARM IS DESCRIBED IN DETAIL IN THIS CHAPTER! IF THIS TRIGGERS YOU, DO NOT READ! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!**

 **Some chapters will be long and some short. It depends on how much comes out when I write.**

 _ **I don't have a posting schedule. I have a baby that is under a year old so she takes up most of my time but I promise I'll try and post as often as possible.**_

 **Hey! Leave a review so I know what you guys are thinking! Do you love it? Do you hate it? Always try and be respectful though; there's no need for hatred. Thanks for taking the time to read my story!**

* * *

 _ **(Most often, cutting or burning or hurting yourself in some other way is best understood as a form of coping, albeit not an ideal or lasting way of doing so. Still, it's something that can give a person a sense of control over their mental or emotional state when they feel they have none.**_

 _ **There's evidence that the relief that comes from the cessation of pain from self-harm actually induces positive emotions. Indeed, people who self-harm often report they do so to improve their emotional state, "getting a buzz" from the act, or to relieve distress or extremely low mood.) -taken from TheConversation**_

 _I want to tell you guys something personal. I used to self harm. The way I describe Bella doing it is how I would do it. I almost never did it on my arms because I knew I would get caught. I always did it on my upper thighs. It was my way of controlling my feelings. I did it for years until one day, I did it on my arms -maybe I wanted to get caught- and wore long sleeves in the dead of summer. My dad confronted me and that was it. I was put into therapy and I've never done it again. I learned better ways to handle my emotions. I'm really loud now; I don't hold anything in. If something bothers me, I will tell you. I can't hold back my feelings anymore because I don't want to revert back to the way it was. Thanks for listening._

* * *

 _Chapter Four._

 _Song: The Night We Met by Lord Huron_

 _When the night was full of terrors_  
 _And your eyes were filled with tears_  
 _When you had not touched me yet_  
 _Oh, take me back to the night we met_

* * *

The night I'm supposed to have my date with Edward does not start out well.

I have a nightmare that is so bad it makes me jumpy the rest of the morning. Then, I become irrationally angry when I can't find anything to wear. Everything is either too revealing or too constricting. Charlie stands in my doorway as I throw my clothes around my room in a temper tantrum.

"What can I do to help?" He asks me; his slightly greying mustache twitches.

I look at him with cloudy eyes and cry, "Why does Edward even want me? I'm useless! I'm disgusting!"

It doesn't even seem to phase Charlie as he approaches me slowly and wraps me in his arms. He brushes a hand down my hair and it soothes me.

"Let's go shopping," He suggests, "It's Wednesday; there shouldn't be many people out."

I sniffle, "You hate shopping," I say.

"So do you," He says back with a grin.

I rub my nose, "Okay but you won't leave me alone, right?" I hate sounding like a clingy toddler.

"Of course not, I have no where else to be," He teases me.

I exhale, "I'm sorry I'm so useless, dad."

He rolls his eyes at me, "Shut up, kid," He nudges my shoulder playfully before turning serious, "You know you're not useless, Bella. You went through a horrible thing; you're allowed to have your moments."

I stare at him. "I feel like I'll never get past this," I tell him honestly.

He squeezes my shoulder gently, "You're young, Bella, everything at your age feels like it'll never pass, but trust me, it does and soon, this will be just a horrible memory."

...

...

.

...

...

Shopping with Charlie ends up being... _fun_ and for a moment there, my heart doesn't hurt.

He sits outside the dressing room and waits for me. He makes a big show when he doesn't like something and makes me giggle and blush. I feel like a child again; bonding with my dad. I'm finally done and we head up to check out. I stay close to him; my arm touching his as we walk to the front. He's right though, there's no one here. As he pays, I stare at him. It's sad it took this to rebuild our relationship. I feel closer to him than I do my mom, Renee. When she said she wanted to come down here to help me _heal_ , I almost had a panic attack and Charlie came to my rescue telling her I needed time.

The sun hits my face as we leave the store and I close my eyes. I open them and look at Charlie when he asks me if I'm alright.

"I love you, dad," I tell him in reply.

His eyes squint as he smiles, "I love you, too, Bella," He replies and pulls me forward toward his police cruiser.

When we get back to the house, I take a shower and cry when I know I'm alone. I'm a fake. An imposter. I don't have a handle on my emotions anymore. One minute I'm fine and the next, I'm crying or getting angry. So angry. The anger surprises me because I'm not usually an angry person but I'm so angry all the time. It feels like I'm bipolar. I have the highs and lows. The emotions fly at me like I'm on a roller coaster and I desperately want to get off. I can't control the pain, it controls me. I have no control of my life.

I watch the water circle down the drain as the shower continues to hit me. I turn the water on the hottest it goes and enjoy the burning it shoots across my skin. It feels like I'm cleansing Victoria's and Riley's touch from me. If I could, I would peel my skin off and put new skin on. Skin that was untouched. Skin that would be Edward's to touch for the first time. I look around the shower in a dazed panic and find Charlie's old straight razor. It glistens at me; calling me. I pick it up and it feels heavy in my hands. The metal is cold against my hot skin. I debate for a second on what to do before deciding to cut my thigh. My arms would be easily seen. No one would be seeing my thighs. I push the razor against my thigh and my eyes automatically close. I don't have to press hard when I feel the metal slicing into my delicate skin. The sting makes me open my eyes and I watch as the red pools against my pale skin. It drips down my thigh and onto the shower floor. I feel... relief. I feel pain. I feel in control of my pain. I feel like I can finally breathe. I slide the blade across my thigh two more times before I stop. I clean the blade off and put it back where it was. My thigh is still bleeding and I wonder if I've cut too deeply. I turn the shower off and dry myself off before pressing the black towel against my thigh. It eventually stops bleeding; leaving me with angry looking wounds. It makes me happy knowing that I caused them. Me. Not Victoria or Riley. Just me. I have the power over my own body.

As I'm getting dressed, I think about going to eat at a restaurant and work myself into a panic. Thinking about all the people that will be there; near me. I end up calling Edward but I'm unable to talk so he talks to me. He tells me how wonderful and strong I am. It makes me sob harder thinking about how phony I am. He asks me If I want him to come over to me and I finally croak out the word no. I'm finally able to get the words out to him.

"Baby, I wasn't planning on taking you to a restaurant," He tells me.

"Oh."

"Just trust me, okay?" He asks.

I let out the breath I'm holding, "Okay," I agree.

We say goodbye and he tells me he can't wait to see me as he hangs up. I toss my cell phone down onto my bed. I stare at my new comforter for a long second; remembering when I flipped out and made Charlie buy all new things. I couldn't look at the purple blanket without being back in that dungeon. My comforter is now black. Like my dead heart. I turn away and look at myself in the mirror; hating my reflection. I yank a brush through my hair before pulling it up into a high ponytail. I pull on a thin navy long sleeved shirt. It covers enough of my skin where I feel okay but it also makes me smile because I know it's Edward's favorite color against my pale skin. I tug my black skinny jeans up; loving the way the material hits my cuts and causes them to sting. It's a reminder that I'm alive. I stuff one foot into my black leather Chucks, mindful of the walking boot I'm now sporting, and I'm ready to go.

Edward arrives at 6pm on the dot. I hear Charlie grumble to himself as he gets up to let Edward into the house. He still doesn't like Edward for leaving me but he knows that he's in my life so he's dealing with it.

"Good evening, Chief Swan," I hear Edward greet and my heart starts to bang against my chest.

"Edward," Charlie grunts in response. "Bella should be down in a second."

"Okay." Edward agrees easily.

I slowly come down the stairs, sorta thumping as I go. I'm staring down at my leg and trying not to fall down the stairs when I finally make it. I look up and Edward is standing in front of me; waiting. He's handsome in fitted dark jeans and a grey v-neck. I frown; realizing that I'm not good enough for him.

"Bella? What's wrong?" He asks me; concern in his gold eyes.

I shake my head, "Nothing. Are you ready to go?" I wonder; wanting to change the subject.

He lets it go and smiles easily, "After you," He says and gets the door for me.

Charlie stands from his recliner and hugs me, "Have a good time, honey. Call me if you need anything." He looks pointedly at me.

My cheeks heat up, "Okay, dad, I will," I promise and kiss his cheek before fleeing. Too many emotions swirling in the air.

Edward helps me into his silver Volvo and memories rush back to me. I hold my breath; willing myself not to cry.

He gets in and turns to me, "Will you tell me what's wrong?" He almost pleads.

"Just all these memories, in this car, of us, of you," I ramble.

He visibly winces, "Bad memories?" He asks.

"No, great memories, it just hurts to know that I'll never be that girl again; I'll never be that happy again," I tell him honestly.

His knuckles turn white as he grips the steering wheel, "Yes, you will," He says determinedly.

I turn to look out the window, "I hope you're right."

He sighs heavily before starting the car. We drive silently for awhile before I realize where we are going. I look over to Edward and he's staring at me.

"Our meadow."

He nods, "Is this okay?" He asks back to being hesitant.

Tears fill my eyes, "Yes," I answer.

He carries the stuff for my picnic and we walk side by side. I'm slow but he doesn't seem to mind. I pay extra attention to the roots that cover the ground and try my best to not trip over anything. We finally approach the clearing and the feelings are too much. I start to cry. He doesn't say anything as we continue to walk. Finally, he stops and spreads out the blanket. He has fake candles all around us; lighting up the forrest. He lays out all the food he's prepared and sits down. He looks up; waiting for me to make a move. I finally sit across from him with my legs stretched out to the side. I balance myself on my hands as I watch him. He makes me a plate of different foods before handing it to me. I take a bite and close my eyes. It's delicious, of course. I continue eating; stuffing my face silently as he watches me. I don't take food for granted anymore after being starved. After a third plate, I sit my plate down on the blanket and look at him.

"I... I don't feel good enough for you," I tell him and startle him.

His brow furrows, "Why?" He wonders.

"Just... just look at you and look at me, we're from separate worlds. We don't even look like we belong together. You, you're perfect and I'm broken. You should be with someone else, someone like Tanya," I spit her name.

"I don't want Tanya. I want you." He says simply.

It angers me. "Why?! Why do you want me? You want to fuck me because someone else already has? I'm easy now, right? Is that it? Just do whatever you want so you can leave again, Edward!" I scream and yank my shirt off. He captures my arms before I can take anything else off and I struggle against him. "Get off of me, you asshole! You left me! You fucking left me! I hate you! I hate you!" I sob.

He holds me against him and starts to hum my lullaby. My struggling lessens before all I'm doing is crying against his grey shirt. He continues to hum and slowly I calm down.

"Do you want me to keep humming? I'll hum all night if it helps you," He says sweetly.

My heart clenches, "I'm never going to get better, am I?" I wonder.

He rests his cheek against the top of my head, "I will hum for the rest of your life if it helps you get better. I will do whatever it takes to help you, baby," He promises me.

I pull away from him and he stares at me with cautious eyes. I hate that look. I'm still sitting in his lap as I raise my hand to touch him. I ghost my fingers across his cheeks and he stays so still. It brings me back to the very beginning, when we first met, and sadness seeps into me. What I would give to go back to that time. I slowly start to get used to his coldness as I run my fingers down my perfect nose. I lightly touch his eyelids. I stroke his lips. I caress his collarbone. I touch anywhere that skin is showing. I lean away from him and wait until he opens his eyes. He stares back at me and then he raises his hand to me. I let him. I close my eyes as his cold fingers touch my eyelids. He spends extra time on my lips and when I open my eyes, I stare into intense burning gold ones. I lean towards him and he gets the hint. He closes our distance and allows me to press my lips against his. He is like a statue as I press harder against him. I exhale into his mouth and he responds. He kisses me back. He kisses me so lovingly that I shatter into a million pieces. He kisses me until I have to pull away to breathe.

I take his hand and place it over my heart, where it beats hectically, "It's yours, if you want it; please don't break it," I beg him.

"Never," He swears.

I close my eyes again and I can almost see our future. A future where I can be happy; where _we_ can be happy. It tastes so sweet. It brings tears to my eyes.

* * *

 **Please, leave a review so I know what you guys think :) Thanks for reading!**


	5. Chapter 5

**I OWN NOTHING. SM OWNS TWILIGHT. ALL I OWN IS MY DARK THOUGHTS :)**

 **THIS ISN'T BETA'D, SO PLEASE BE GENTLE WITH ME!**

 **Some chapters will be long and some short. It depends on how much comes out when I write.**

 _ **I don't have a posting schedule. I have a baby that is under a year old so she takes up most of my time but I promise I'll try and post as often as possible.**_

 **Hey! Leave a review so I know what you guys are thinking! Do you love it? Do you hate it? Always try and be respectful though; there's no need for hatred. Thanks for taking the time to read my story!**

 ** _[THERE WILL BE A HEA FOR BELLA AND EDWARD, BE PATIENT WITH ME PLEASE.]_**

 _Chapter Five._

 _Song: Fly On by Coldplay_

 _Flock of birds_  
 _Hovering above_  
 _Just a flock of birds_  
 _That's how you think of love_  
 _And I always look up to the sky_  
 _Pray before the dawn_  
 _Cause they fly away_  
 _Sometimes they arrive_  
 _Sometimes they're gone_

 _Fly on_

 **A/N: PLEASE READ! PLEASE READ! BECAUSE VICTORIA DIDN'T GATHER AN ARMY TO ATTACK THE CULLENS IN ECLIPSE, BREE TANNER WAS NEVER CHANGED INTO A VAMPIRE. I'VE CHANGED HER FUTURE BY MAKING VICTORIA ATTACK BELLA ON HER OWN. NO ARMY. I'M FOLLOWING BREE'S STORYLINE FROM HER SHORT STORY.**

 **ALSO, I REALLY HOPE YOU GUYS REALIZE THAT BELLA NEEDS TO BE HERE. THE CULLENS DIDN'T PUT HER IN THERE AS ONE 'GUEST' COMMENTED. NO ONE LEFT HER. EDWARD WILL COME VISIT BELLA WHEN SHE IS IN THE RIGHT MINDSET. CHARLIE IS HER CARETAKER AND HE MADE THAT DECISION. SOMETIMES YOU NEED EXTRA MENTAL HELP TO GET THROUGH WHAT YOU CAN'T ALONE. SHE ISN'T IN YOUR TYPICAL MENTAL HOSPITAL. THIS IS A RETREAT FOR TRAUMATIZED VICTIMS. THANK YOU!**

* * *

When I try to force myself on Edward and he rejects me, I go into a downward spiral.

I sit on my chair in front of my computer and stare out the window. I see nothing. I am nothing. I am just an empty vessel. I eat. I breathe. I use the bathroom. I cut my thighs and enjoy the feeling. I do not respond to Charlie when he asks me a question. I am a log. I do not sleep. The days tick by unseeingly and I continue to sit in my chair. A week passes and Charlie storms in.

"That's it, Bella! I'm sending you to your Mom's." He growls.

That makes me look at him. "Why? Did I do something wrong?" I croak out, my voice ruff from unuse.

He sighs heavily and shakes his head, "You didn't do anything wrong, Bella, but this-" He stretches his arms out, "isn't normal. It isn't healthy. You being attached to Edward after everything he did to you isn't healthy. I think you guys need some time apart. Time to think about what you need," He tells me.

I don't fight him because Edward probably won't care anyway. "Please don't send me to Mom's, I'll do whatever you want," I beg him.

He stares at me and smoothes his fingers over his mustache, "I found a treatment center, it's more like a retreat," He says quickly when I go to argue, "Bella... I know you've been hurting yourself."

I really look at him. "How?" I wonder. I'm usually really careful about it.

"I was washing your jeans and there was blood on the leg area. At first I thought you had gotten your... Your period but I noticed how the blood patterns were too perfect, they were self made," He explains in his cop wisdom.

"Please don't take it away from me." The words don't even sound fucked up to me.

He fliches as if I've physically attacked him, "Bella, please, I can't lose you." His eyes are shiny.

I look down at my fingers and see my missing pinky. I've lost a lot of strength in my hand from losing a finger. It's what fuels my anger. Everything I've lost because of Victoria. I don't use that hand as much anymore. The doctors say I can start thinking about a prosthetic in another few weeks. I don't know if I'm ready. I feel like this is my punishment and I should be forced to endure it.

"Okay, dad. I'll go. For you," I tell him.

He watches me closely, "No. Go for yourself."

I stare back at him, "What if I just want to be left alone?" I ask him.

"And slowly die each day? No. I refuse to let you."

"Fine, I'll go. For me. Now, can I be alone?" I demand.

He looks at me sadly before touching my hair, "I love you, kid, more than you know." He says before closing the door behind him.

I shuffle my computer chair back and forth anxiously. I'm trying to think about what I want to do when my hand finds the razor blade in my desk drawer. I flip it over in my hands before getting up and sitting on the floor against my bed. Wouldn't it be nice to forget? There's a voice somewhere inside me that tells me that. Tells me that by just the slice of the blade and all my pain will end. I won't have to deal with any of it ever again. All there will be is silence and God, how I want that. I want the buzzing in my ears to stop. I want to be breathe without it hurting. I want to forget.

The rush of memories hits me. Victoria snapping my pinky off. Victoria breaking my leg. Victoria hitting me. Riley on top of me. His cold body against me. Sickening. I am disgusting. No one will want me now. Edward doesn't want me. I press the blade roughly against my inner thigh. When I pull it down, I gasp out loud at the burning that sears through my leg. It hurts. The blood gushes everywhere and I'm lightheaded. My ears ring and I smell the copper in the air. It makes me sick. The blood seeps onto my wooden floors; staining them.

Not a minute passes when I hear a loud bang and Edward flies through my broken window.

"Why?!" He cries.

Charlie comes running in, "Oh my God! Bella!" His scream is agony.

I can't care. My head feels woozy, as if I'm drunk.

"It'll be faster if I take her! Follow me in your car!" Edward shouts.

"Listen here you little bastard!" Charlie begins.

Edward interrupts him, "She's going to die, Charlie! Can we do this later?" He rushes out the front door and doesn't use his vampire speed until he's out of view.

He tucks me against his chest so I don't flop around as he runs. I try to roll out of his arms but he prevents me. "Let me go, you asshole! Let me die!" I try to scream but I'm so weak.

He doesn't respond and before I can blink again I'm in the hospital. Carlisle hovers above me in shock.

"Bella? What's happened?" He shouts.

"She's tried to kill herself. I think she may have hit the artery, I can't stop the bleeding," He tells Carlisle.

I groan. The blood loss making me feel queezy, "Why can't you pricks leave me alone? I want to die. It's my right as a human being." I try to yell but my body won't let me. I'm so tired.

Carlisle stares down at me with sad eyes and I want to punch him, "What about Charlie, Bella?" He asks me.

"Charlie will be better off without me."

Edward is in my face then, "Stop talking like that! I won't let you die!" He shouts murdeously; his eyes wild.

I can feel the sting of a needle as Carlisle works on my leg. Numbness spreads throughout me and causes me to float.

"It's not your choice, you bastard! You don't even want me! You rejected me! I was trying to give you myself and you pushed me away because you think I'm disgusting! Fuck you! Fuck you, Edward! I want you to leave me alone! Just leave me alone!" I find the strength to scream at him.

He shakes his head, "You don't mean this," He says lowly.

"LEAVE!" I screech.

Carlisle looks up from my thigh, "Son..." He trails and I know they are talking silently to each other.

Edward looks away from Carlisle and locks eyes with me. He bends down and captures my face; ignoring when I try to struggle against him. "I love you, Isabella Swan, and I won't stop loving you. You can't get rid of me that easily." And then he's gone.

I lift my arms that feel like lead and press my palms into my eyes. "Carlisle, please. I can't live with this pain anymore. Make it go away." I beg him.

His eyes burn into mine and he doesn't say anything as he picks up a syringe. He injects it into my IV and my world shutters. The light crumples around the edges and I feel weightless. A minute passes and I'm thrown into a never ending dark ocean.

...

...

.

...

...

Softness surrounds and encases me.

I crack my eyes open to peak around because I know I'm not in my bed. This bed is too soft and the room smells too clean.

 _I'm in a mental hospital,_ I think.

As if on cue, the door opens and a very beautiful woman walks in. She's tall and sleek with cool blonde hair and gold eyes. She's unnaturally pale and unnaturally beautiful.

"Hello, Bella. I'm Kate Denali, nice to meet you," She greets, her voice sounds like bells.

She's a vampire, I realize. My slow brain taking a second to catch up from the drugs that still linger in my system. A vampire that's connected to the Cullens. _Of course_.

"Where the fuck am I?" I growl at her.

It seems to amuse her because she grins, "You are at Sacred Hearts retreat center for women," She replies simply.

"Am I still in Washington?" I question.

"No, you're in Alaska. Your father thought it best to take Carlisle's advice for treatment centers," She tells me.

I squeeze my eyes shut. "I don't want to be around vampires anymore. Why can't I get away from your fucking kind?" I almost scream but my voice gives out.

She doesn't seem offended by my comment, "I want to help you get better, Bella, that is everyone's main goal around here. I've met your father and he cares so deeply for you. It's touching and I promised him I would help you over come this sadness inside you. You know vampires, we don't break out promises."

I look at her, "I don't want to stop cutting myself. That's mine." I say panicky.

She approaches me at a snails pace and holds out her hand. I stare at her for what seems forever before placing my hand in hers. She slides a thick black rubber around my wrist. She snaps it and pain makes me jerk.

She smiles, "Can we try this for a while and see if it helps? Just for as long that it helps," She suggests.

I shrug in reply and snap the rubber band as hard as I can. It stings. Not as good as the razor blade but good enough to feel the pain. I do it again. Harder.

"Since it's your first day here, I don't expect for you to participate in group therapy today but I still want you to be there," She tells me and then walks out the door.

I stare at the door for a long second before I attempt to get out of bed. I try to put pressure on my injured leg and collapse, cursing. The leg that I've cut is also the leg that's still in the walking boot. I see a pair of crutches out of the corner of my eye, propped up on the wall near my bed, and grab them. I hate using crutches but I've done this to myself so I deserve it. I lean against my crutches as I move slowly look around my new room. It's nice all things considering. The walls are grey and the floors are a faux white wood. The bed has a black headboard and the sheets are a dark grey. A white nightstand sits close with a modern looking lamp. There is a gorgeous plush white and grey rug by the bed. The windows have white shutters. There is a desk sitting in front of a large bay window and a grey large chair in the corner.

Besides the door that leads out of the room, there are three other doors. I crutch slowly over to the door that I think is a closet. When I pull it open, my beliefs are confirmed. The closet is small but still considered a walk in and my clothes hang neatly in it. I close that door and move to the next door that I assume is the bathroom. It is. The bathroom is designed modernly with a large walk-in glass shower. The colors are the same whites, blacks and greys. Very sleek looking. I know what the last door is because the actual door is glass. It leads to a balcony. I can see the gorgeous scenery and it is not what I expected from Alaska. It's breathtaking. Green is everywhere and I can see the snow covered mountains in the distance. I go to open the door but it's locked.

"You have to earn that," A high pitched voice comes from behind me.

I startle and turn around with tense shoulders. It's a young girl. She looks to be about fifteen or sixteen but's hard to tell these days. Her hair is black and falls to her chin. Her eyes are cinnamon and sad. Her skin is fair like mine. She's short and slender.

She speaks again when I don't say anything, "I'm Bree. Bree Tanner - well, hopefully when I get out of here I'll be Bree Thompson," She babbles.

I finally find my voice, "I'm Bella Swan," I tell her simply.

She nods, "Nice to meet you, Bella! I'm actually here to escort you to group," She says.

I look down at my outfit and notice I'm in sweats and a long sleeved shirt. I look back up at Bree and notice she's wearing something similar.

She sees me looking, "You can change if you want but everyone will be wearing something like we are." She shrugs.

I move forward and follow her out into the hallway. "How long have you been here?" I finally work up the courage to ask.

She looks at me briefly before looking ahead again, "Almost a year," She replies easily.

I exhale loudly but she doesn't seem to notice or maybe she does and she doesn't care. We continue down the white hallway before stoping in front of large double doors. She pulls them open and holds the door for me. I limp inside and take in the room. It's huge and beautiful, of course. There's a large chandler type light hanging from the high ceiling and a fireplace against the far wall. Sofas, chairs, bean bags and recliners are placed all over the room. I spot Kate, who is sitting in a black chair that faces all of the other sitting arrangements.

"Bella!" She greets, "Thank you for joining us! Have a sit anywhere."

I follow Bree and sit next to her when she plops down on a bean bag. I can't lower myself like that so I end up sitting in a comfy looking chair next to her. We wait a few more minutes and people file into the room; sitting all over the place. There's at least twenty other people in our group.

"Thank you for joining me today, group! How is everyone?" Kate asks. Everyone seems to grumble in response. She continues, "Great! Who would like to start us off?" She wonders.

I'm surprised when Bree raises her small hand in the air, "I'll go! I'll say something about myself since we have some new people here today. My name is Bree and I'm sixteen years old. I've been here almost a year now. I'm here because my father killed my mother in front of me and then buried her out in the desert -I'm from Idaho- and then continued to abuse me until I finally ran away. I was picked up by the cops and they put me into foster care. I got pretty lucky though because the Thompson's took me in and now they're in the process of adopting me! The judge set conditions about my adoption that I had to go to a year long trauma treatment center to get a better handle on my emotions before my mom and dad are able to adopt me. I've been working really hard here because I want them to adopt me. I finally have a family," She beams like the stars in the dark sky.

Kate smiles at the young girl, "How are you nightmares? Are they better?" She asks her.

Bree nods, "Better but I still get them. They aren't as bad anymore but I still dream that my bio dad will find me and kill me," She says honestly.

It takes me off guard at how honest she is.

Kate leans forward, "But we know that your biology father is in prison for the murder of your mother and the abuse of you. He can no longer hurt you, Bree. You are free. Free to live your life," She tells her happily.

I notice the tears as Bree wipes her cheeks quickly, "Did I do enough to protect my mom though? I could have stopped him! I should've. I should've gotten a knife and stabbed him. My mom would still be alive right now," She cries.

My hearts breaks for Bree and her pain.

Kate shakes her head, "You did everything you could have, Bree. Your father is a monster. There's nothing you could have done to stop him. It's not your fault," She comforts Bree.

It's like the words are for me. I have to wipe my eyes as the tears begin to fall.

"I just feel so guilty for not saving her. I mean, how different would my life be if my mom was still her?" She wonders.

"But you wouldn't have the Thompson's," Kate returns.

Bree nods sadly, "It's like a catch twenty-two, I love my mom but I love the Thompson's."

"It's okay to feel confused, Bree, that's not going to change overnight but what you need to learn to do is not feel guilty because your mom would be so proud of where you are today," Kate assures her.

Bree laughs as she presses a tissue to her face, "Damn, Kate, bringing the big guns today," She teases.

Kate smiles, "You know how much it hurts me to know that you think it's your fault. You're such a lovely girl, Bree, and I know you could never hurt anyone."

Bree sniffles, "It's nice to hear every once in a while."

Kate continues around the rest of the group; talking to each person like the individuals they are. I guess that vampire memory comes in handy when you need to remember everyone's name and story.

"Okay, ladies. For your homework tonight, I would like you to write a letter to your loved one and tell them how you feel, truthfully. No holding back. Tell them even if they don't want to hear it," Kate tells the group and then looks at me, "I want you to write a letter to Charlie, Bella."

I sigh but nod at her. Bree helps me back to my room silently and then leaves with a quick goodbye. I turn the lamp on at the desk and sit down. I can see the forrest outside and I hold my breath as it begins to snow. It's stunning. My eyes water and I push open the window. The chilled air hits my face and take a deep breath in. I sit back down and pick up my pen; pressing it to the ivory colored paper. My hand won't seem to write anything. My mind is blank. I want to tell him how sorry I am. How sorry I am for being a fuck up. For putting him through this. For being a shitty daughter but my hand doesn't want to listen to my mind.

After a few minutes of just staring at the blank piece of paper, I stand frustratedly. I push the paper off the desk and the wind causes it to fly across the room. I turn away from the desk and stand in the middle of the room, sobbing into my hands. _I'm such a fucking failure. At everything._ I use my shirt to dry my face before turning the lamp off. I leave the window open as I crawl into bed.

I hope when I wake up, I'll be frozen and I won't be able to feel anything.

* * *

 **Please, leave a review so I know what you guys think :) Thanks for reading!**


	6. Chapter 6

**I OWN NOTHING. SM OWNS TWILIGHT. ALL I OWN IS MY DARK THOUGHTS :)**

 **THIS ISN'T BETA'D, SO PLEASE BE GENTLE WITH ME!**

 **WARNING! WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS MENTION OF TORTURE AND MENTION OF RAPE. IF THAT'S NOT YOUR CUP OF TEA DO NOT READ! THIS IS FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY! SKIP THIS CHAPTER IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO READ ABOUT VIOLENCE! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!**

 **Some chapters will be long and some short. It depends on how much comes out when I write.**

 _ **I don't have a posting schedule. I have a baby that is under a year old so she takes up most of my time but I promise I'll try and post as often as possible.**_

 **Hey! Leave a review so I know what you guys are thinking! Do you love it? Do you hate it? Always try and be respectful though; there's no need for hatred. Thanks for taking the time to read my story!**

 ** _[THERE WILL BE A HEA FOR BELLA AND EDWARD, BE PATIENT WITH ME PLEASE.]_**

 _Chapter Six._

 _Song: Cold by Aqualung and Lucy Schwartz_

 _Crimson and Bare as I stand_  
 _Yours completely_  
 _Yours_  
 _As we go over_

 _Sing for the Lion and Lamb_  
 _Their hearts are hunting_  
 _Still hunts hope_  
 _Forever and Ever_

 _Ever_

* * *

When I wake up, I'm warm. Too warm.

I sit up and see that the window is closed. Kate probably came in during the night and shut it. It makes me uncomfortable that I didn't hear her. Fucking vampires. There's a knock on my door and in walks Kate. Speak of the devil and she shall appear, I guess.

"Good morning, Bella! How are you feeling today?" She asks me in a chipper voice.

I shrug at her in response.

"Well enough to try on a prosthetic for your pinky?" She wonders.

I'm not excited to learn how to reuse my hand but I figure I better cooperate or else I'll never get out of here. So I nod my head yes at her and watch as she claps her hands together in a happy gesture.

"I'm very pleased to hear that, Bella, that means you're on your way to recovery," She tells me.

 _Does it?_ I stare down at the rubber band around my wrist before snapping it roughly, "I want to get better," I tell her, "I just don't know how."

"Yes, you do, Bella. The problem is, you're trapped in your own mind," She says gently.

I look up at her again, "Why are you so good at this?" I want to know.

She sits down on my bed and faces toward me, "I was a very angry newborn when I was first turned. It wasn't pretty. I was trapped in what I thought was Hell. I thought maybe I had done something wrong in my human lifetime for this to happen to me. I was lost. For a very long time. Until my sisters and I met Carlisle. He taught us compassion. He taught us how to be human again. How to respect every living creature. Without Carlisle, I don't know how long my sisters and I would have made it."

I pick at my comforter, "Carlisle is a great man," I agree.

"He is. Is there anything else you'd like to know?" She asks me.

"Why do you do this?" I ask bluntly.

Her gold eyes are bright, "I enjoy helping people. I'm addicted to helping people find themselves again. I can't stand when a living creature is lost. It's a privilege to bring them back to themselves," She explains.

I stare at her for what seems like a long time, "You're a really good person, Kate."

She holds my gaze and smiles again, "Thank you, Bella, that means a lot to me. I know how you feel about vampires."

I blink once, "I know it's not right to judge... not everyone is the same," I say slowly.

"That's human nature, everyone is hesitant to give the people that hurt them another chance, that's survival," She says.

"I don't hate your kind... I... I love Edward so I can't hate vampires," I tell her.

She nods, "I know you love, Edward, it's very clear," She pauses before speaking again, "May I say something to you without you becoming upset?" She wonders.

"Okay," I say eyeing her.

"I think you need to think about what you want to do with Edward. You can't stay in this limbo with him forever. It's not fair to either of you. You need to decide what you want to do. Either you two work through this or you go your separate ways." Her eyes are intense.

I chew on my lip as I maul it over in my head, "I can't imagine my life without Edward in it," I finally tell her after a long stretch of silence.

"I know, Bella. He's your mate. That's why it hurt so much to be away from him and he you," She tells me.

I snap my rubber band again; it's loud in the silence around us. "How do I forgive him? How do I move on?" I ask; my voice low.

"You two need to talk. You don't need to be physical with each other right now. You just need to communicate if you want your relationship to work. You're going to have to rebuild your trust with him. It might take a long time."

"Why can't I just be normal?" I snap my rubber band.

"What's normal?" She asks and makes me look up at her.

"I just want to have a normal relationship with Edward without freaking out about something," I say.

"Nobody's normal, Bella. Everyone is different and unique. There are other woman out there that are thinking the same thing as you because no one really feels normal."

I think about that for a long minute, "So, this is forever?" I wonder.

"Only if you let it be. It doesn't have to be forever. _You_ can change your life, Bella."

I nod, "I want to," I tell her seriously.

She smiles brightly at me, pleased with my response. She pats my uninjured leg, "Come on, I want to show you something."

She waits outside my door for me while I get dressed. She tells me to wear heavy clothes which means we're going outside. She moves at a human pace for me as I crutch behind her. We make it to large double glass doors that lead to the back of this facility.

"I'm afraid you're going to have to let me wheel you out because of the snow. I can't risk you falling and injuring yourself," She tells me as she brings a wheelchair around.

I don't fight her. I'm just happy to be going outside. I sit and let her wheel me outside. It's snowing lightly and so beautiful. I look around at all the green trees covered in snow. I stare longingly and imagine what Edward would look like lying in the snow. I bet he would be beautiful. Finally, I notice that she's wheeling me toward a gated area where four large horses are. Three of them are white but the one that catches my eyes is black. His hair is silky and black as night and his mane is long. He stands out against the stark white. He is gorgeous.

"Ah, I see you like our outcast, Starlight," Kate murmurs.

Starlight? Somehow it fits him. He stands out like a star against the snow. I let Kate help me stand and rest against the gate. Starlight approaches me slowly as if he knows I'm the jumpy one. I hold my hand out and let him press his cold nose against me. I genuinely smile as he nuzzles my hand. I whisper sweet things to him and press my face against his. He seems to know that I need this comfort.

"Wow! Starlight usually doesn't like anyone! He nearly took another visitors hand off," She exclaims.

I let out a giggle as Starlight huffs like he's arguing with her. "I think he's saying that it wasn't his fault," I say stroking his soft nose.

I feel weird. Like a warmth has taken over my body and realize it's happiness. I'm happy.

She smiles as if she can sense my happiness, "I think you and Starlight belong together, Bella," She tells me.

"Do you think so?" To that, Starlight nibbles on my hair as if to agree.

She laughs, "I think so! He chose you! You're stuck with him now. Who knows, maybe he'll even let you ride him," She hints.

I laugh with her, "Maybe once all this stuff is off my leg! I wouldn't want to break my other leg."

"Come on, you can come back outside with Starlight after you see about your pinky," She says and helps me sit back down.

Starlight lets out a whine which makes her chuckle, "Okay, okay! She will be right back out in an hour, sir!" She tells him and pushes me away.

I look back and see Starlight staring after me.

I've never felt so warm in my life.

...

...

.

...

...

My fitting for my prosthetic pinky is quick.

I've been working on my hand strengthening exercises and I feel like they are truly making a difference. I cry when I stare at my hand and see a realistic pinky there; you would never be able to tell it was fake. Kate told me Carlisle paid for it all, of course. That makes me cry again. Getting the prosthetic to move with my hand is tricky but the Physical Therapy guy tells me with a lot of practice it will come natural to me. I open and close my hand for the rest of the day.

"Since your fitting went well, how about you join me for group before going back out to Starlight?" Kate wonders.

I agree easily; still staring at my pinky. The fireplace is on as I take my seat next to Bree. She smiles happily at me and tells me how cool my new finger is. That gets a chuckle out of me.

"Thank you for joining me, everyone!" Kate greets. There's murmurs of greetings as everyone settles in. "Sabrina, would you like to talk about what happened to you?" She urges gently.

Sabrina is pretty. Her hair is dirty blonde and up in a bun. Her blue eyes are tired and sad. She's tall and thin. I think she looks like she could be in her early thirties but I'm not sure.

She sighs as she twists her legs up underneath her, indian style. "Umm. Okay. Well, it was April 21st, a Saturday. My husband had gone out with our five year old son for ice cream for being so well behaved. I had just had my daughter Chloe a week ago. I had a really rough labor and ended up with a fourth degree tear which is the worst kind you can have. She was sleeping in her swing near me as I sat on my couch catching up on my papers - I'm a college professor. It was getting late, the sun had already gone down. I was expecting my husband and son to be back soon. I had the TV on so I didn't hear when the window in my bedroom was broken. I didn't hear him until he was in front of me. I went to scream but he hit me. I fell off the couch and onto our grey rug. Chloe started to scream because of the loud sounds. I was afraid he would hurt her so I kneed him in the groin. That angered him even more. He grabbed my ankle and pulled me so that I was facing him. I struggled against him and he backhanded me so hard I actually saw a burst of white. It was enough to disorient me so he could get my pants off. All I could hear was Chloe screaming as he raped me and God, it hurt so bad. He tore the stitches I had so bad I had to go in for emergency surgery. I couldn't think about anything else but Chloe. It was my worst nightmare come true. I just wanted him to hurt me; not my baby. I was so scared that he was going to hurt her. After he was done, he kicked me in the ribs; breaking two. He was in the process of stealing our stuff when my husband came home. He knew something was off and made our son stay in the car. See, my husband is a police officer. He shot and killed my rapist." She closes her eyes tightly as if she's reliving that day. "I can still hear Chloe screaming and the gun shots and see my husbands face as he ran over to me. There was blood all of the rug. It looked like a murder scene. I'm truly thankful to be alive for my babies."

"Thank you, Sabrina, for telling your story. Look how far you've come. Months ago you couldn't leave your home and now look at you, you take walks outside. I'm so happy with your accomplishments. You are truly amazing," Kate tells her.

I don't realize that I've been digging my nails into the skin of my wrist until I let go. I look over at Kate and she meets my eyes. I hear her words in my head, telling me that I'm not alone. I nod at her, hoping she'll understand and she seems to.

"Bella, would you like to tell your story?" Kate asks me.

I hold my breath. I'm scared but I whisper okay. I close my eyes; it's the only way I can talk. "I was kidnapped by a deranged woman and her boyfriend. They... umm.. they thought it would be fun to torture me. She had him rape me and beat me. She beat me. She cut my pinky off. She broke my leg. She would keep me in the dark for days at a time until I thought I would lose my mind. I wanted to die. I begged for it everyday. Until one day, she agreed. She stabbed me multiply times before the police finally found me. They're both dead now but that still doesn't give me closure. I... I wanted to be the one to kill her for what she did to me. It feels like that was taken from me," I say and open my eyes.

Everyone is watching me with knowing eyes. As if they all feel the same way.

A woman, who appears to be in her late twenties, with short brown hair smiles sadly at me, "I shot and killed my abusive husband. Trust me, it doesn't fill the hole inside of you," She tells me.

"But how do you fill the hole?" I ask her.

"I guess you just have to try and live."

* * *

 **Please, leave a review so I know what you guys think :) Thanks for reading!**


	7. Chapter 7

**I OWN NOTHING. SM OWNS TWILIGHT. ALL I OWN IS MY DARK THOUGHTS :)**

 **THIS ISN'T BETA'D, SO PLEASE BE GENTLE WITH ME!**

 **Some chapters will be long and some short. It depends on how much comes out when I write.**

 _ **I don't have a posting schedule. I have a baby that is under a year old so she takes up most of my time but I promise I'll try and post as often as possible.**_

 **Hey! Leave a review so I know what you guys are thinking! Do you love it? Do you hate it? Always try and be respectful though; there's no need for hatred. Thanks for taking the time to read my story!**

 ** _[THERE WILL BE A HEA FOR BELLA AND EDWARD, BE PATIENT WITH ME PLEASE.]_**

 _Chapter Seven._

 _Song: I belong to you by Muse_

 _How much pain has quaked your soul?_  
 _How much love would make you whole?_  
 _You're my guiding lightning strike_

 _I can't find the words to say_  
 _They're overdue_  
 _I've traveled half the world to say_

 _I belong to you_

* * *

I spend my days outside in the snow with Starlight.

I have fallen in love with this horse and I think he loves me back. At least, that's what Garrett, Kate's husband, assures me. Garrett is really nice to me but I suspect he's just a nice guy in general. He is really, really tall and slender. His pale skin seems to blend in with the white of the snow. His long, brown shaggy hair falls into his gold eyes. He is, of course, handsome as they all are. The way he smiles at Kate makes my heart break and I think about Edward which makes me sad.

I hear a New England accent when he talks, "You're doing really well, Bella."

He watches me as I brush Starlight's hair. We stay quiet for a few minutes, him just watching me as I continue to brush Starlight. I'm on anxiety medicine and it actually seems to be helping me. It's soothing.

I finally meet his eyes, "Why do you do this, Garrett?" I ask him.

He nods his head toward Kate, "Her, of course," is his reply.

"Love struck, huh?" My voice sounds teasing to my own ears.

"Indeed," He laughs.

"Do you enjoy helping people like she does?" I wonder.

"I do. Maybe not as much but I still enjoy it."

"Hm." I hum absentmindedly as I stroke Starlight's mane.

"What do you enjoy?" He asks me.

I startle by his question before hugging Starlight, he is warm even in the cold, "I don't really know," I say honestly.

His eyes soften, "You're still so young, you have plenty of time to figure it out," He reassures me.

I stare at the snow for a long second, unseeingly, "I think I'd like to have children," I finally say, surprising myself.

He doesn't say anything for a long pause of silence before he answers, "I wanted children. It just wasn't in the cards for me."

He doesn't let it get awkward as he moves past the topic and approaches me with Starlight's food. I take it from him and spread out Starlight's hay in front of him. I also give him his treats - apples and carrots. He gobbles them up happily and exhales loudly against my cheek causing me to laugh loudly. My laugh echoes around us and I see Kate smile at me. Her smile lights up the entire forrest. Something inside me wants to make her proud. To be better.

"Bella!" She calls, "It's time for PT!"

I groan and make Garrett chuckle.

"It's not that bad, kid, and look at you, you're becoming a pro with that pinky, soon you won't have to go to PT anymore," He tells me.

I shrug at him and turn back to Starlight, "I have to go-" He makes a sound of protest. "I know, I know, but you know I'll be back soon," I tell him.

He looks at me for a second before resuming eating so I figure it's okay for me to leave. Garrett wheels me back inside to where it's warm before I crutch myself toward the Physical Therapy room.

...

...

.

...

...

Physical Therapy goes by quickly and I continue to make great progress.

I have regained a lot of strength in my hand and I'm able to use it more and more for daily things. As I'm returning from PT, Kate stops me.

"What would you say about a therapy session?" She asks me.

Something in her eyes tells me there's more to it then that. "Just you and me?" I question.

She smirks, knowing I'm onto her, "Would it be alright if Edward joins us?" She wonders.

I audibly gulp and exhale loudly, "Sure, I think I'm ready for that," I tell her.

"I'm not going to push you, Bella, if you need more time you tell me," She insists.

I shake my head at her, "It's been five months, I'm ready," I say firmly.

She smiles brightly, "Okay! He's in my office waiting for us."

I touch my hair self consciously and stop to look in the mirror. I want to make sure I don't look like a disaster. Though, knowing Edward, he'll still say I look beautiful. I decide I look as fine as I can be in white yoga pants and a navy blue sweater. My stomach twists anxiously as we walk towards her office. I'm a nervous wreck by the time we make it to the door. My heart is pounding and I think I might vomit.

She opens the door achingly slow and I feel faint. Edward sits there in one of her large black leather office chair. He looks so shockingly beautiful and I realize just how much I've missed him that I burst into tears. He stands with concern in his eyes but Kate holds up her hand.

"Talk to me, Bella," She urges.

I fall to my knees. Hurting myself in the process. "I was such an asshole to him and I've missed him so much and he deserves better than some fucked up damaged girl," I choke out in between sobs.

She kneels in front of me and places her hands on my shoulders; steading me, "We don't degrade ourselves, do we, Bella? We are all equals, no one is better than the other," She reminds me.

I rub my eyes and sniffle before nodding, "Equals," I repeat and look at Edward.

He's watching me with cautious eyes and I hate it.

"Edward, stop looking at Bella like that," Kate says almost as if she read my mind, "She's not a doll; she won't break."

Edward looks guilty as he stuffs his hands in his pockets, "I'm sorry, Bella, I don't want to make you feel like that," He says quietly.

I flip my hair over to my other shoulder; trying to hide. It makes him pout as I slowly stand. Kate helps me to my chair and checks me out to see if I've hurt myself. She gives me the okay and sits in front of us. I pick at my thumb nail as I wait for her to start the session.

"I don't know how much you know about therapy, Edward, but you will do this my way." She leaves no room for argument.

He nods in agreement, "Of course."

She smiles then, "Okay! So, let's talk about why you're here, Bella," She says.

I inhale deeply, "I was kidnapped by a deranged vampire who had a vendetta against my boyfriend because he killed her mate. She tortured me and turned another innocent man into a vampire in order to rape me. I was raped, beaten, my pinky was torn off, she snapped my leg and then she stabbed me in order to kill me. She was unsuccessful as Edward found me and saved me while the others killed her."

Her eyes hold mine and she silently asks if I'm alright. I nod at her before she turns to Edward.

"Edward, do you understand the role you play in this?" She asks him.

He nods, his eyes on my face, "I left Bella after I killed Victoria's mate, James, which left her vulnerable. It's my fault," He says.

My eyes are blurry with tears as I turn to look at him, "It's not your fault, Edward, and I'm sorry that I made you feel that way. You had no way in knowing that Victoria would do this," I tell him and it feels like a weight has been lifted off of me.

He stares into my eyes, "I'm so sorry, Bella," His voice is full of emotion.

"I know, Edward. I'm sorry, too."

He shakes his head, "You have nothing to be sorry for. You did nothing wrong. I'm an idiot."

I laugh shakily, "I'm not disagreeing with that," I tease.

He exhales loudly and runs his fingers through his hair, "God, Bella."

"Edward, explain to Bella why you left her, what your thought process was," Kate pushes him.

He looks at her, eyes on fire, "I fucked up, what do you want me to say?" He's defensive.

She holds up her palms to him, "Help her understand why you left. You can't just leave someone, especially your mate, and then come back and expect them to understand."

He looks away from her and back at me, "I really thought I was doing the right thing, Bella. I thought if I left you could have a normal life. You could fall in love with a human and have a normal human life, that's all I've wanted for you. After Jasper almost killed you... something inside me snapped and I thought I couldn't even keep you safe from my own family. I felt like a failure. It's my job to keep you safe and I failed. So I thought if I left, in time, you would get over it and I would live with knowing you were out there, happy and living your human life."

Tears are streaming down my face, "You don't get to choose my life for me, Edward. It's my life and I get to choose who I want to live it with. I choose you. I always have. I can't live without you. You're everything. It's my job to keep you safe too - safe from yourself. And the Jasper thing... well, sometimes our family fucks up but they're family and you don't give up on family because they made a mistake."

He makes a gasping sound and then, suddenly, his arms are wrapped around me. I cling back. Our chests heave together and he buries his face in my hair.

He pulls away and wipes my face with his cold hand. _I don't flinch away from him_. "I love you. So much." His eyes bore into mine.

I stare back. Intense. "I love you, too." I sob.

Kate smiles, her eyes shiny, "You guys are going to be okay."

* * *

 **Please, leave a review so I know what you guys think :) Thanks for reading!**


	8. Chapter 8

**I OWN NOTHING. SM OWNS TWILIGHT. ALL I OWN IS MY DARK THOUGHTS :)**

 **THIS ISN'T BETA'D, SO PLEASE BE GENTLE WITH ME!**

 **Some chapters will be long and some short. It depends on how much comes out when I write.**

 _ **I don't have a posting schedule. I have a baby that is under a year old so she takes up most of my time but I promise I'll try and post as often as possible.**_

 **Hey! Leave a review so I know what you guys are thinking! Do you love it? Do you hate it? Always try and be respectful though; there's no need for hatred. Thanks for taking the time to read my story!**

 ** _[THERE WILL BE A HEA FOR BELLA AND EDWARD, BE PATIENT WITH ME PLEASE.]_**

 _Chapter Eight._

 _Song: The Luckiest by Ben Folds_

And in a wide sea of eyes  
I see one pair that I recognize  
And I know

That I am  
I am  
I am  
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

* * *

Another few months pass and Edward still comes to therapy with me twice a week - Monday and Wednesday.

Today is Wednesday so it's a therapy day for us. I'm not as nervous as I was in the beginning. Now I look forward to talking to him about stuff. I haven't had to take my anxiety meds lately, I've been feeling pretty good. I stand in front of the mirror and stare at myself. I leave my hair down and it falls in brown waves down my back. I twist the fabric of my deep royal blue sweater around between my thumb and index finger. The sweater deeps low in the front, showing skin, and low in the back. It covers my butt. I wear sheer black leggings and when I look at myself again, I feel _pretty_. I wonder if Edward will find me attractive today but shove the thought away. I'm not there yet. Not ready, as Kate tells me.

A knock on my door startles me out of my thoughts and I can tell by the softness it's Kate. I tell her to come in.

She grins as she greets me, "You look beautiful, Bella."

I feel my cheeks heat up, "Thanks, I... I want to feel pretty again, for me," I tell her.

She nods, "We all need to feel feminine and wanted," She agrees.

"Is it bad I want Edward to find me attractive?" I whisper.

"Of course not, Bella, he's your mate, your... boyfriend, we all want our significant others to be attracted to us, that's human nature," She says simply.

I smile at her, "I want him to want me," I speak honestly.

"Again, that's normal but I wouldn't rush things, listen to your body and take your time, it's not a race, if Edward loves you, he will wait for you to be ready."

"What if I feel ready now?" I counter.

"Do you?" She shoots back.

I run my fingers through my wavy hair and sigh, "No, but I want to," I admit.

"Bella, if you push yourself, it will only cause you to revert back to your old ways," She warns.

"I know, I just want to be ready, I don't want to keep him waiting," I say feeling defeated.

She raises her perfect eyebrow at me, "Are you we talking about the same Edward? Who thinks he's stealing your soul by touching you?" She teases but turns serious again, "He will wait until you're ready."

"It's not just for him, _I_ want to feel again, to feel something, to feel the rush of excitement I get when he touches me, I long for it," I say quietly; avoiding her eyes.

"I'm not saying you can't kiss him, Bella, I'm just saying you're not ready for sex, there's other things you can do that don't involve intercourse," She says lightly.

I finally meet her golden gaze and blush, "You're right, I mean, it's not like Edward would agree to have sex with me right now anyway, you should have seen how look it took for me to get him to kiss me..." I sigh, daydreaming about our first kiss.

She smiles, "When you're old, Bella, you tend to become stuck in your ways, it takes a long time to realize that certain things you were taught that you thought were correct aren't always, it's hard for some to swallow that, Edward is old and stuck in his old ways," She lets out a quiet laugh.

"He is," I agree, "But he's also a gentleman and I love that about him. I love how he takes care of me but I want to be able to take care of him to."

"Tell him that... speaking of, Edward is here for your therapy session. Now, I've already signed off on this but I want to make sure it's okay with you," She trails off.

"What?" I ask with wide, questioning eyes.

"Edward would like to take you out into town, for dinner," She tells me.

I gape at her, "I haven't left since I've gotten here."

She chuckles at my response, "Yeah, so now's your chance to get out here for awhile, have fun," She encourages.

Suddenly, I feel like I'm going on a first date all over again and my stomach is in my throat. I'm nervous. I inhale deeply and go for my black boots. I've been downgraded to a brace for my leg so I feel more sturdy. I no longer have to have people pushing me around in the wheel chair. Although, I still have a slight limp which makes me self conscious. I wrap my black coat around me. It's sort of like a trench coat but flairs out at the bottom with a faux fur hood. It does the job and is cute.

Kate stops me before I can leave my room, "Remember, Bella, you are worth the wait," She says before moving her arm and allowing me to pass.

I nod and smile at her before making my way down the long hallway. I find Edward standing by the white lounge chairs in the waiting area. He looks so out of place here. His hands are stuffed into the pockets of his black jeans and he's wearing a grey v-neck sweater. He's gorgeous.

He looks up when I approach and smiles stunningly at me, "Bella. You look beautiful," He says and leans forward to press his lips against my very warm cheek.

"So do you," I return with a shy smile.

He takes my hand in his cold one and I don't flinch which makes him smile even larger, "You ready to escape?" He jokes.

I nod, my heart racing, "I am."

His car is warm as he helps me get situated. I shiver with excitement as his hand brushes my jacket when he helps me with my seatbelt. He moves at a human pace as he walks around the front of his car to get into the driver side. When the car starts, Clair De Lune fills the air around me. It feels like we're in our own secret, safe bubble. He pulls onto the road and we're quiet for a second.

"I miss you," He finally breaks the silence.

"God, I miss you, too, Edward."

"It's been so hard to stay away while you've been here," He admits.

I can feel his eyes on me and turn to look at him. "I don't want you to stay away, you've been away for too long," I reply.

He exhales the breath he was holding, "You don't know what that does to me, Bella, hearing you says those words."

"It's true, I never want to be away from you again, I can't," I tell him honestly, the words escaping freely.

"I will never be away from you again, not until the day the earth crumples," He promises.

I hold his intense gaze, "That's all I'm asking."

"I will give you everything, Bella."

"I'm just asking for you, Edward," I whisper.

His fingers lace through mine, "You have me, forever," He says.

"Promise me," I demand. I know I sound childish but I need to hear him say the words.

"I swear on everything that's ever mattered to me, Bella, you are mine and I am yours."

I turn into mush at his words, "That's all I wanted to hear," I tell him and bring his hand up to my lips.

He whispers my name and makes my heart pound in my chest. His eyes are on mine the rest of the drive to the restaurant.

He helps me out of the car and wraps his arm around my waist as we walk toward the small restaurant. Thankfully, it doesn't look like anything fancy and it doesn't seem to be busy.

"You didn't have to take me out to eat," I tell him.

"I know I didn't but I wanted to, I enjoy watching you eat," He says and makes me giggle.

When I do, he gives me a blinding smile, and whispers in my ear that he loves that sound. I plan to giggle more often to see that smile. He holds the door open for me and I murmur a thank you. It's warm in the restaurant so I shrug out of my coat and tuck it under my arm.

Edward makes this sound when he gets a full view of my outfit, "Bella," He chokes out. His eyes linger on my exposed skin.

I giggle again, "Thank you," I tease.

Who am I tonight? This is the most carefree I've felt in almost a year. It feels like nothing can bring me down from my high.

The hostess takes us to a booth away from the few people that are actually there. I order a hot chocolate and water to drink. Edward sticks with water. When our waiter comes by, I order the clam chowder soup and a house salad with ranch dressing. No onions. Edward declines food and our waiter shrugs before departing.

"I'm going to totally need to brush my teeth after this," I kid. He raises a brow at me. "I don't want to taste revolting to you when we kiss," I say with a duh to my tone.

He hides his grin behind his hand, "You could never taste revolting to me, Bella, every inch of you tastes heavenly."

"Check, please!" I say and turn red as my body burns with arousal.

He chuckles loudly, "You are ridiculously cute, Bella, you don't even know," He tells me.

My food comes then, thankfully, and I focus on eating. I eat quickly; wanting to get out of here and spend more time with him. He asks me questions as I work on devouring my soup without choking.

"What do you think about Kate?" He wonders.

I pause, bringing my spoon back down, "I think she's amazing, she's helped me so much, it makes me sad that I judged her in the beginning because she truly is a wonderful person," I answer.

He smiles at that, "I'm glad to hear it, honestly when Carlisle told me this is where he recommend Charlie to place you, I was unsure, I didn't think you'd want to be around vampires anymore," He says, knowing me so well.

"At first I didn't and I told her that but... she grew on me," I say laughing.

He closes his eyes and tilts his head back, "God, Bella, I just want to hear that sound for the rest of my existence."

"Spend the rest of forever with me and you will."

He opens his eyes and gazes at me, "Forever," He promises.

The restaurant is so quiet; most of the people have left and now it seems like it's just the two of us there. The music that plays in the background changes and grows louder. Edward stands slowly and holds his out to me. I take it without question and squeak when he gently pulls me close to him. We're swaying back and forth to the slow music. His hand smooths down my back; leaving a trail of heat with it and rests on my hip.

 _'Cause I wished you the best of_

 _All this world could give_

 _And I told you when you left me_

 _There's nothing to forgive_

 _But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was_

 _Heartbreak and misery_

 _It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way_

 _You're happy without me_

He pulls back slightly and stares into my eyes. I stare back; holding onto the moment.

"Leaving you was the worst thing I've ever done in my life," He tells me; his beautiful buttersotch eyes sad.

I trail my index finger across his bottom lip; causing him to shiver, "You came back."

He closes his eyes and bends down to rest his cheek against mine, "I spent my days apart from you in misery."

I press my palm against his cheek and push. He leans back to look into my eyes. I move forward and he meets me halfway. Our lips meet and sparks shoot through my body; lighting me up like the fourth of July.

"Do you feel that?" I whisper.

His fingers run across my exposed collarbone, "If my heart could beat, it would be racing," He says.

I hug him tightly to me and press my ear to his chest where his heart is. I close my eyes and I swear I can feel the thudding against my skin. I look back up at him and close my eyes. He knows what I want and gives me his lips. I feel his cool tongue slid against mine and I swear I die of happiness. Maybe this is a dream and I'll wake up soon. His hand rests on the side of my neck. I feel so warm. I want to stay in this moment forever.

Too soon he pulls away from me, "Would you like to go see the northern lights?" He asks me.

I smile, "A perfect end to a perfect beginning," I say.

"You're my perfect end," He replies cheesily.

It makes me happy. "You are so cheesy," I giggle.

He presses his face into my neck and kisses me until I moan. "I just want you to be happy."

"I am happy, Edward. I've realized that I can be okay without you but I don't want to be without you. It's my choice. I choose you."

His face is so close to mine that our eyelashes touch and cause me to close my eyes. "Open your eyes, baby," He urges.

I comply and watch as he wraps his family crest bracelet around my wrist. My eyes dart back up to his. My mouth slightly open as I inhale quickly. "Edward..." I don't know what to say as I run my fingers over the leather band that feels delicate against my skin.

"I want you, forever, Bella. I want you to be mine. Someday, maybe not soon, we'll get married and you'll carry my name but for now, carry my crest to know that you own me, in every way. I am yours." His tone is serious.

"Why wouldn't we get married soon?" I counter and make him chuckle. "I will never take it off." I promise.

He smiles his heartbreakingly beautiful smile and kisses me until I'm out of breath.

Later, we kiss until my lips feel like they might fall off under the stunning green, purple and blue sky. I have never been happier in my entire life.

...

...

.

...

...

The Cullen clan stand in front of me awkwardly.

"Please, everyone, sit," Kate urges them before looking at me, "If, at anytime, you feel uncomfortable just let me know."

I nod; completely trusting her.

"Now, as you can see, Bella and Edward are working out their relationship with therapy sessions. Bella feels like it's time to include you, her family," Kate tells them.

I'm sitting so close to Edward that I might as well be on his lap. I look over and catch Alice's sad gaze. I don't think I've ever seen Alice Cullen sad, ever. It hurts me but I know it isn't my fault she feels guilty. I see Esme sitting close to Carlisle and when I catch her eyes, she smiles her motherly smile at me. I can feel Rosalie's stare on my face and I turn to look at her. I don't flinch away when I meet her gaze but then I notice something. She has a look in her eyes - it's guilt. Rosalie feels guilty.

I feel Edward's arms tighten around me and I look over at him, "I'm okay," I reassure him.

His lips graze my cheek causing my body to ignite on fire as he nods.

"Okay, Bella, would you like to explain why we're here?" Kate starts.

I recap what happened to me, like I always do at the beginning of a new therapy session, and flinch violently when a loud noise fills the room. Emmett stands up from where he's thrown the coffee table against the wall. It shatters on impact. He's angry; I've never seen him angry before. My heart is trying to beat it's way out of my chest and I burrow into Edward for comfort.

"Jesus, Emmett! Calm the fuck down! You're scaring Bella!" It's not Edward's voice but Rosalie's.

"I'm sorry, babe, I'm just so fucking angry that piece of shit did this to Bella!" He booms.

Rosalie glares at him, "If you can't calm the fuck down then you need to take a walk, do you hear how hard her heart is beating right now?" She demands.

Emmett looks my way and shakes his head, "I'm sorry, Bells, I need a minute," He says sadly before disappearing.

Edward is whispering soothing words to me and I finally press my lips to the side of his neck to tell him I'm okay. He loosens his grip on me slightly and allows me to sit up.

I clear my throat, my voice shaking, "I just want to start out by saying that none of you are to blame for Victoria's actions, she's her own person and she decided to do this," I say.

"Oh, Bella," Esme cries and I know she wants to hug me.

I struggle to stand up and Edward helps me; standing with me. He watches cautiously as I limp over to Esme and throw my arms around her. She smells like home and mom and comfort as she hugs me back.

"Oh, my brave beautiful girl," She murmurs as she smooths my hair out of my wet face.

"I don't blame you, Esme, I know you thought you were trying to do the right thing and Edward is your son and you always listen to your family first, truly, I understand," I tell her.

She cups her hands around my face, "I will never listen to Edward again, Bella, I know better, I'm my own person and I make my own decisions, I chose to blindly follow my son because he told us it would be the best for you, giving you a human life," She says and throws Edward a look over my head.

"Mom..." He begins.

"Don't you mom me, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen," She warns.

It makes me giggle, hearing him get scolded by his pseudo-mom. He shoots me a look as if to say 'I thought you were on my side' and I shrug my shoulders at him. He shakes his head but smiles.

I turn in Esme's arms to look at Jasper. He looks back at me with weary eyes. "Jasper, none of this is your fault and because I know you, I know you blame yourself but... you're my family and I don't blame you. I can only hope this will us stronger as a family. I don't blame you, Jasper." I say strongly.

He clenches his jaw as if trying to hold back emotion and before I can blink, I'm in his arms and he's apologizing over and over. Edward moves forward and I tell him no with my eyes.

I pull away from Jasper and take his cold face in my hands, "There's nothing to be sorry for, Jasper. We all have our screw ups. You have to tame the predator inside of you, I can't imagine what that feels like but maybe it's like a drug addict fighting their urges."

He looks stunned as he shakes his head with his mouth agape, "How can you just forgive me?" He wonders.

I smile over at Kate who is watching me with a proud look, "Because I've learned to let things go; to not hold onto thing. I want to move on with my life and I want you to be apart of that," I tell him.

"You... you're amazing, Bella," He chokes out and holds me tighter then comfortable for me.

As if she senses my discomfort, Alice steps in and pulls me to her. She buries her face in my shoulder and her tiny body shudders as if she's sobbing. "I love you so much, Bella, please forgive me for leaving you, I didn't know, I couldn't see.." She stutters, so unlike her.

I rub her back, "Alice, you didn't do anything wrong, I know you thought you were doing the right thing, trying to give me a human life, but now you know, I belong with you guys, my life is with my family and you are my family," I tell her.

Her eyes shine, "You're my best friend, Bella, you're the only person I feel that truly gets me, without you in my life... I don't know how I could possibly be happy," She says and presses her hand to her own cheek.

I cover her hand with mine, "You don't have to think about that anymore, Ali, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere anytime soon," I assure her.

Rosalie is waiting patiently for me to turn to her so I muster up the courage to face her.

"Rosalie..." I start but she holds up her hand.

"Bella, I just want to apologize to you, I was such an asshole to you because I thought you were giving up the most precious gift, life, but I didn't realize how strong your bond is with Edward. Nothing can break the bond of mates and I know how that feels, to try and break that bond and force your mate away. It doesn't work with us. I downplayed it because you're still human and I didn't know a human could be so bound to a vampire. I truly hope you can forgive me and we can move forward and become friends," She says and her eyes are so intense I have to look away.

I take a breath before looking back at her, my eyes are blurry with tears, "You have no idea how it makes me feel, being accepted by you, Rosalie, all I wanted was to be apart of your family."

She takes my hand in hers and gives it a gentle squeeze, "You are apart of my family, Bella, _you_ are my family and I'm so sorry it took this to make me realize how much you mean to all of us."

Tears are streaming down my face now and I feel like my heart might burst with how much love is being poured on me, "I don't want Emmett to feel bad, Rose, please, get him back in here so he can understand he didn't do anything wrong," I say.

She wipes her fingers across my cheeks; catching my tears, "He's just being sensitive, Bella, you know how Emm is, he takes things too close to home," She says but turns and calls Emmett's name quietly.

Emmett walks into the room a few minutes later at a human pace, probably to not scare me again. "I'm sorry I scared you, Bells," He says quietly and he looks so sad it breaks my heart.

I reach out and let him wrap me in his huge arms, "Forgive yourself, Emm, because there's nothing for me to forgive, you did nothing wrong, you have such a big heart and I hate to see you sad," I soothe him.

He chuckles and pulls away while ruffling my hair, "You're my baby sister, I can't stand to see you in pain, I'd kill anyone who hurt you," He tells me.

I giggle at that, "I know, Emm, I believe you, just don't be sad anymore, okay? For me, please?" I plead with him.

He touches my cheek in a sweet, tender moment and then booms loudly, "Fuck, I need a drink! I feel like a chick with all these emotions!" making us all laugh.

I look back at Edward and he's staring at me of course, "I love you," He mouths.

I smile, "I love you, too," I say aloud and make Alice squeal with happiness.

I soak in this moment with them and find myself back in Edward's arms.

He brushes my hair out of my face, "I'm so proud of you, baby," He tells me.

My heart fills and threatens to burst, "I feel invincible when I'm with you," I reply; taking a page out of his cheesy book.

He smiles back at me, "Who's cheesy now?" He teases.

"Still you, always," I say playfully.

His thumb traces my bottom lip, "Are you ready for tomorrow?" He wonders.

I lean my cheek into his hand, "Are you?" I return with a snort.

"Thankfully I'm bulletproof," He reminds me.

"Thankfully," I agree.

"I truly hope Charlie will understand and come to terms with us being together again," He says softly.

"He will, he loves me and I love you so he has to come to terms with it," I reassure him.

"Nothing will keep us apart again," He tells me.

"Nothing," I agree.

He holds onto me and doesn't let go. I say goodbye to our family and Edward stays with me. We sit on my bed and watch as the snow comes down from the open door; the cool air causes me to shiver as I snuggle closer into Edward. I fall asleep in his arms and when I dream, they are good dreams.

* * *

 **Please, leave a review so I know what you guys think :) Thanks for reading!**


	9. Chapter 9

**I OWN NOTHING. SM OWNS TWILIGHT. ALL I OWN IS MY DARK THOUGHTS :)**

 **THIS ISN'T BETA'D, SO PLEASE BE GENTLE WITH ME!**

 **Some chapters will be long and some short. It depends on how much comes out when I write.**

 _ **I don't have a posting schedule. I have a baby that is under a year old so she takes up most of my time but I promise I'll try and post as often as possible.**_

 **Hey! Leave a review so I know what you guys are thinking! Do you love it? Do you hate it? Always try and be respectful though; there's no need for hatred. Thanks for taking the time to read my story!**

 ** _[THERE WILL BE A HEA FOR BELLA AND EDWARD, BE PATIENT WITH ME PLEASE.]_**

 _Chapter Nine._

 _Song: Hurts like hell by Fleurie_

 _How can I say this without breaking_  
 _How can I say this without taking over_  
 _How can I put it down into words_  
 _When it's almost too much for my soul alone_

* * *

Charlie's sad eyes are staring at Kate as she speaks to him.

"Mr. Swan, Bella is making remarkable strides here, we believe she'll be ready to go home into your care as soon as you're ready," She tells him.

His sad eyes dart to mine, "Are you ready, Bells?" He asks quietly.

"I'm so sorry, daddy, for everything I've put you through," My voice breaks but I continue, "I'm so thankful that you haven't given up on me, that you are the one person that I can always rely on."

His face crumples and he starts to cry as he pulls me into his strong arms, "Oh, Bella, you're my baby, of course I'll always be here for you, no matter what, no matter what happens or what you do, I'll never abandon you," He promises.

"I love you so much, daddy," I tell him. I don't know if I ever have told him like this.

He strokes his hand down my hair, "I love you, too, Bella, always."

"I will never put you through this again, I swear, I'll always try to talk to you before I do anything stupid," I say.

He chuckles, "That's all I ask for," He tells me.

Kate smiles at us, "I love my job," She says and makes us both laugh.

I hold Charlie's hand, "I have to tell you something, though, and I don't think you'll be happy..." I say wearily.

He sighs heavily, "What is it, Bells?" He asks shaking his head slightly.

I gulp, "Edward and I are together again," I finally spit out.

He rolls his eyes, "That's all? I already know. Carlisle and I talk regularly," He says casually.

I turn red. "What? What do you mean you talk regularly? About what?" I question.

"About a lot of stuff. You kids. Fishing. Just general stuff," He waves it off like it's no big deal.

"And Edward and I just happened to come up?" I squint my eyes at him; making him chuckle again.

"You're our kids, of course you come up, we're both fathers after all," He shrugs.

I just stare at him for a long second, "Well... are you okay with this?" I ask him slowly.

"It's your life, Bells, I can't tell you what to do but I did have a talk with Edward and he knows if he hurts you again, I will kill him," He says sternly.

I giggle and his grey streaked mustache twitches in amusement.

Speaking of... "Dad, do you ever think about dying your hair? I mean, I know I'm the reason you're going grey but you don't have to keep the greys if you don't want to, I mean, not that they're bad or anything, I just mean, what about the ladies?" I finish lamely.

He jokes out a laugh loudly at that, "Bells, I like my grey hair. I think they make me look distinguished and I've earned them," He tells me and smooths out his facial hair with his hand.

I snort, the sound bursting out of me loudly, "God, I've missed this," I tell him.

He grins and turns to Kate, "When can I bust her out of here?"

...

...

.

...

...

Bree is leaving today.

She is bouncing excitedly up and down the halls. I watch her and this _feeling_ consumes me. I imagine myself with a daughter, Edward's daughter, and she is beautiful. I imagine she has Edward's face, angelic and sweet, but with his human green eyes. I get lost in that fantasy until Bree calling my name pulls me out.

"Will you miss me, Bella?" She demands, sassy and so carefree.

I smile at her, "Of course I will but I'm so happy you get to go home to your family, aren't you excited?" I ask.

She beams, "I am! Really excited! Nervous but excited," She practically shouts.

"And, of course, you can always text me if you need me," I remind her.

"Awesome!" She says and then looks behind her when a woman calls her name. She turns back to me, "That's my adoptive mom, you wanna meet her?" She asks me.

I glance at the woman who is radiating happiness and looks ready to go, "Maybe another time, she looks like she can't wait to get you home, you better go," I urge.

"Will you come visit me? After you get settled I mean," She asks me.

I nod, "I will," I promise her.

And with a quick hug, she's off. Her adoptive mom catches her in her arms and hugs her tightly. They laugh and disappear down the hallway. I stare after them for a long minute before Kate appears.

"Let's talk, Bella," She says and gently pulls me into her office.

I sit down in my usual spot and stare at her.

She folds her hands over one another and sits a little straighter which tells me she means business, " I overheard you talking to Garrett; I heard you tell him you want children, should we talk about that?" She wonders.

"What's there to talk about? I just told him that one day I wanted children," I say trying to keep calm.

"Bella... have you talked to Edward about this?" She asks me.

I shake my head, "We just got back together, this isn't something I thought I should throw at him, after everything we've been through." I twirl my hair between my fingers.

"It is something he should know, Bella, you are apart of his future and, as you know, vampires cannot reproduce," She says slowly.

"What am I supposed to tell him? 'Hey, I know we just got back together but I want to have children and I know you can't give them to me so what should we do about this?' I don't think so," I scoff.

"Bella," She sighs, "It's important to be honest and communicate with your partner, no matter what."

"Even if there's a chance that it'll ruin the relationship?" I return.

"That's not how a relationship should work, Bella, people have differences and they work through them."

"This is a pretty big difference," I tel her.

"There are other ways to have a baby."

"Like adoption? Yeah, right, Edward won't even discuss turning me because he thinks he's stealing my soul when I don't even believe in that crap. He'd never adopt a human baby," I state.

"How would you know unless you talk to him about it?" She wonders.

I sigh loudly, "Okay. I'll talk to him about it, Kate," I promise her and my stomach flips around.

She looks pleased, "Good. Now, let's discuss your graduation from us." She smiles.

"When do you think I can go home? Also... I really don't want to leave Starlight behind," I tell her anxiously.

She taps her fingers against her desk, "I've discussed this with Edward already, he has purchased a house here in Alaska with a decent amount of land; I'm giving you Starlight as a gift of how proud I am of you, Bella," She says.

I gasp, tears springing to my eyes, and before I can even register what I'm doing I'm out of my chair and in her arms. "Thank you, Kate! You're so amazing!" I cry.

She rubs my back soothingly, "He's yours, Bella, anyone can see how much that horse loves you, I would never break up a bond like that," She assures me.

"I seriously don't know how to thank you, Kate," I tell her.

"Just promise me that if anything ever happens and you need to talk to someone, you will call me! No matter what time of the day it is!" She urges.

I nod, "I promise," I agree.

She sits back in her chair; letting me go, "Good, now I was thinking about this Friday you could go home, Charlie's already agreed to it, how do you feel about this?" She asks me.

"Nervous," I admit, "Not because I don't think I can handle it but it will be weird not to have you around with me all the time."

"Understandable but you can do this, you know how strong you are, Bella," She reminds me.

"I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me, Kate."

She smiles again at me and her eyes are bright, "I have no doubt you can do anything you want, Bella."

...

...

.

...

...

I'm in the best place on the earth - tangled in Edward's arms.

"Edward..." I begin.

"Hmm?" He hums as he strokes his fingers down my arm and leaving goosebumps in his path.

"I need to talk to you about something important," I tell him.

He shifts a little so that he can see my eyes, "You can tell me anything, Bella, you know that," He reassures me.

I hesitate, scared of his reaction, "I, um, I was talking to Kate about something earlier and she said it was important for you and me to have this discussion but I don't want to, I don't want to ruin what we're rebuilding," I tell him honestly.

His eyes are cautious now, "There's nothing you can say that will ruin our relationship, Bella."

My heart is thudding loudly in my ears as I stare at him, "I know we've already talked about this and I said what I said but I'm still young so you knew there could be a possibility that my mind would change!" I don't want to sound defensive but I do.

His eyes search mine for a second before he registers what I'm talking about, "You want children." He finally says softly.

Tears fill my eyes and I feel guilty, "Everything changed for me after Victoria, Edward, I've realized that I'm too young to be making this life altering decision right now. I told you before that I didn't want children and that I would be fulfilled but I... I want babies. I want your babies. I want little replicas of you." I start to cry.

His arms tighten around me, "You know that's not possible, love, I can't have children," He says sorrowfully.

I continue to cry and he pulls away from me. My entire body shudders and I sob louder.

"You're leaving?" The tears sting my eyes.

"You need time to think about what you want to do and I don't want to influence your judgement by being here," He tells me.

"You won't stay with me, will you? If I want to pursue my options on having children."

"Bella... I can't. I can't give you babies and I won't bring a human child into our situation."

"But you were willing to stay with me while I grew old? What kind of hypocritical crap is that?" I'm angry now.

He shakes his head at me, "It's different. You have a choice. What kind of choice will the baby have?" He questions.

"Obviously we'd raise the baby as a human until they turned eighteen and let them choose for themselves!" I growl at him.

He pinches the bridge of his nose, "I can't do it." He says, final.

"This is not a one way conversation, Edward! You don't make all the decisions in our relationship! I have a say in it too!" I shout at him.

He shakes his head at me, "It's not that simple, Bella. How will we raise the baby? And what will we tell the baby about me? If we tell he or she about us that will seal their fate and force them to become a vampire no matter what they want."

"What do you want me to do, Edward?" I demand.

"I want you to be with someone who can give you everything you want, obviously I can't." He sounds heartbroken.

"We're back to this? Are you going to leave me again? Make sure you don't leave any enemies behind this time." It's a low blow, I know, but I'm so angry with him.

His eyes are black as he stares at me, angry, "I'm going to leave and let you calm down before we both say something we'll regret," He finally says.

I blink the tears out of my blurry eyes, "Just leave! That's what you're good at!" I scream and turn away from him.

When I turn back around he's gone.

* * *

 **Please, leave a review so I know what you guys think :) Thanks for reading!**


	10. Chapter 10

**I OWN NOTHING. SM OWNS TWILIGHT. ALL I OWN IS MY DARK THOUGHTS :)**

 **THIS ISN'T BETA'D, SO PLEASE BE GENTLE WITH ME!**

 **Some chapters will be long and some short. It depends on how much comes out when I write.**

 _ **I don't have a posting schedule. I have a baby that is under a year old so she takes up most of my time but I promise I'll try and post as often as possible.**_

 **Hey! Leave a review so I know what you guys are thinking! Do you love it? Do you hate it? Always try and be respectful though; there's no need for hatred. Thanks for taking the time to read my story!**

 ** _[THERE WILL BE A HEA FOR BELLA AND EDWARD, BE PATIENT WITH ME PLEASE.]_**

 _Chapter Ten._

 _Song: Hard To Say I'm Sorry by Chicago_

 _After all that we've been through_  
 _I will make it up to you, I promise to_  
 _And after all that's been said and done_  
 _You're just the part of me I can't let go._

* * *

I sulk the entire day.

I miss group and stomp around angrily before Kate finally makes me come talk to her. I worry she's going to postpone my graduation from here and make me stay longer because I'm throwing a fit.

"Bella, talk to me. Tell me what happened," She urges me gently.

I fold my arms across my chest with a huff, "I fucking told Edward about wanting to have babies and guess what? He reacted exactly like I thought he would! He told me no and left me again."

She looks a little surprised, "What do you mean he left again?" She asks.

"I mean, he told me that he didn't want to have kids, especially human ones, and left me to give me 'space'," I growl that word and roll my eyes.

She sighs loudly, "Okay. Obviously I need to get him in here so we can talk about this. I see he's used to making all the decisions so it'll be an adjustment period for him since you're not the same person you were, Bella," She tells me.

I shake my head, "I don't want to talk to him. He's a dick." I say childishly.

That makes her chuckle, "I know. He can be... stubborn, but you guys need to talk about this. Communication is the most important part of any relationship, no matter who it's with."

I roll my eyes again and look out the window; my arms still crossed over my chest, "Whatever," I finally answer.

She brings out her phone; texting for a second before she sets it down on her black desk. A few minutes pass before there's a firm knock on her door. My heart speeds up.

"Come in."

Edward strides in and he looks stressed out. I sink lower into my comfy chair; wanting to disappear from the tense room.

"Edward, please, have a seat." Kate's voice is authoritative with him.

His hard gaze cuts from her to me and he lowers himself angelically with a heavy sigh.

"Thank you," She tells him and looks at me; asking if I'm okay.

I nod in response.

"Edward," She begins. "I'm the one who told Bella that she needed to be honest with you about her desire of having children. I told her that you would be fair in the conversation. That was my mistake. I won't presume to know how you'll react again since I don't really know you." Her voice is hard.

Edward shakes his head, eyes black, and leans forward, "You suddenly don't know me, Kate? I've been the same _person_ all these years and then suddenly, you don't know me because I disagree with what Bella wants?" He chuckles humorously.

"Don't talk to her like that, Edward! If you want to be a dick to someone, continue being one to me since you love doing it so much," I snap at him.

His eyes are shocked for a second before he composes himself. I'm not usually agressive but I won't bottle up my feelings any longer. That's what got me here.

"I'm sorry you feel like I'm being a dick to you."

I raise my arms dramatically, "Here we go! Throw it back on me! Don't try to reverse psychology my ass, Edward. I've been psychoanalyzed too many times to fall for that shit anymore," I state.

"I don't know what you want me to say," He admits.

"You seriously get on my damn nerves."

His face contorts in something unreadable for a second before he raises his eyebrow at me, "Then why are you with me?" He demands.

I let out a breath, "Because I love you and I won't give up on us. No matter how hard you want me to find someone else because you think, in your own twisted way, that I'll be better off without you," I tell him simply.

He blinks rapidly before cocking his head, "I just can't bring a human child into this, Bella. Please understand. I... I would be devastated if that child had to be turned because of the Volturi. If they took away that child's right to live a human life because of me... I couldn't live with myself. Children are innocent; I don't want to be the reason of their corruption. I can't ruin a child."

I sit back to process that. "Are you scared that a human child wouldn't love you, Edward?" I wonder.

His eyes flit back up to mine, "How could they?" He returns.

My eyes soften, "Oh Edward, how could they not? You always told me you'd love anything that was apart of me. Wouldn't that include a child?" I ask him.

He nods reluctantly, "What about when they find out I'm not their real father? They'll treat me differently."

I shake my head, "No way. What about adopted children? They love their parents, some times even more then their birth parents given the situation. But, we'd tell our child the truth when they got older, Edward, that 'daddy can't have children but he really wanted to be able to give his love to a baby so we chose you'. How could you think our child couldn't love you knowing you chose them? That you and I created them out of love just like any other mommy and daddy in love."

He sucks in air that he doesn't need and his shoulders move up and down. I realize that this is how vampires cry. He looks so vulnerable that I don't know what else to do but climb into his lap as best as I can. He hugs me to him.

"I almost lost you again," He whispers into my hair.

I pull back and cup his face, "You can't lose me, Edward. The only way you could lose me would be by leaving me because I'm not going anywhere," I promise him.

He fingers brush through my hair lightly, "I'm so sorry about the other night, Bella. I _was_ a dick. I just... I tend to always think of the worst when it comes to our relationship because of how fragile you are but you aren't so fragile anymore, are you?" He murmurs and touches my cheek.

"We're going to fight, Edward, because that's what couples do. Some of our fights will be big and I'll probably think the world is ending but we'll get past it. We always do. We're Edward and Bella. There's nobody else. There's only you. I want to experience it all with you, Edward. I want to live in our own little house with a white picket fence and big enough land to have Starlight. I want to marry you. I want to have babies with you. And after our babies grow up a little, I want to spend the rest of eternity with you."

He makes a strangled sound before kissing me as if he were dying. "That sounds like a better life then I could have imagined. You'd give me all of that?" He wonders.

"I'll give you everything, Edward." And I mean it.

He sends me a blinding smile and I know we're okay when he asks, "When can we start?"

I giggle at that and squeeze the side of his neck affectionately, "I need you to promise me that we'll work on our communication. I promise to hear you out and listen to you if you promise to do the same. We have to, if we're going to have babies, they don't need to see their parents fighting. I refuse to be those parents," I tell him seriously.

He nods, "Of course, Bella. Thank you for being so patient with me. You know that I have some... demons of my own that I have to work out and I'm trying. I swear to you I am," His voice shakes slightly.

I hold his gaze for what seems like forever before Kate clears her throat.

"Forgive me for interrupting but I just need to say... this is great progress for you both. I would very much like for the two of you to continue your therapy with me, we can do it over the phone to make it more convenient for the both of you. I think at least once a week but if you feel like you need to talk more, we can do it twice a week." She says to us and then turns her sharp gaze to Edward, "I know you're aware of Bella being released on Friday. I need to know that she's going to be in a safe environment mentally. Edward, I would be upset if she suddenly relapsed."

Edward's eyes were just as hard as they stare at each other, "I won't let that happen, Kate. I'm working on communicating better and not running away from my problems. I'm aware it's a character flaw." He tells her.

She nods, "I understand, Edward. Carlisle told me you two have been having weekly sessions. He seems to think they're starting to help. Understand my feelings, Carlisle loves Bella as if she were his own daughter so that makes me feel protective of her. I don't want to see all of her hard work go down the drain because you get upset and leave. Don't leave her again. Keep your emotions under control and work it out like adults." She says sternly.

I watch Edward's face. His eyes are tight but relax as he nods; telling her he understands and he won't leave me again. Although, for now, my guard is still up. I'll have to work on lowering it back down for him, once he shows me he's not leaving ever again. He feels my eyes on him and turns to look at me. I study his dark eyes, noting that he probably needs to feed soon. He always stops eating when he's stressed out. That's a very human thing to do - either you stop eating or you binge it. I usually stop eating because the stress makes my stomach hurt. Those thoughts cause me to think about my time with Victoria and her starving me. Then I think about how my choice to have children was almost taken away by all the damage that was done to my body.

"What are you thinking about?" Edward asks me; pulling me away from my thoughts.

I realize I'm sitting tense against him and work with my muscles to loosen. "I was just thinking about Victoria," I tell him honestly.

His arms tighten around me, "What about her?" He wonders.

I stroke his forearm in reassurance, "I was thinking about how my choice to even have children was almost taken away by the fact that my body was so badly damaged and how lucky I am that we can still have babies," I breathe.

He shudders against me, "Whenever I hear the things she did, I want to kill her all over again," He admits.

I lean into him more and sigh, "I was angry when I first got her because I thought you took away my choice... I wanted to be able to kill her," I tell him.

He strokes my hair softly, "You were so hurt when I found you, Bella, that all I could think about was getting you to a hospital but I knew I couldn't leave her alive, she would have escaped and then you would have never felt safe until I tracked her down," He explains.

I lace my fingers with his, "I understand, Edward, and I understand now that killing her wouldn't make me feel better, if anything it would have made me feel worse, taking another's life is not something I could deal with... as a human," I say stuttering over my words.

He holds my stare, telling me he understands with his eyes, "I would never want you to carry that burden, Bella," He finally answers softly.

"I don't want you to carry around the burden of guilt. I don't want you to think that it was your fault." I say in return.

He lets out air, his sweet breath fanning over me, "I'm working on it but, if I'm honest, I think I'll always blame myself for that," He tells me honestly.

Well I appreciate his honesty, a wave of sorrow washes over me with his words. "Can you forgive yourself? I've forgiven you."

His index finger runs across my knuckles slowly; causing goosebumps to erupt on my forearms. "I don't know, Bella."

My heart twists painfully, "How can we truly be happy together if you feel guilt? Are you only with me now because you feel guilty?" I question.

He pulls back so he can look into my eyes, "No! Of course not, Bella! How could you think that?" He demands, hurt.

"I don't know... I just thought, maybe, you were only with me because you felt guilty of everything that happened and instead of leaving me, you're choosing to stay with me out of pity," I finally let him into my thoughts.

He shakes his head slowly, eyes wide, "I... I'm such an asshole if I've made you feel that way. Jesus. Why haven't you told me you feel like this? You've been carrying this around for how long?" He wonders.

"Since you rescued me from Victoria," I admit.

"Fuck..." He squeezes the bridge of his nose. "I'm so sorry that I've made you feel that way, Bella. I would never want you to question my feelings about you. You are the only girl for me, baby. I've always wanted you. From the moment I saw you, I wanted you. When you spoke to me in biology class I knew I was a goner. My dead heart only beats for you and if I had a soul, you would own it like you do everything else."

I smile brightly at him, my heart beating hard in the quiet room. "If I can work on not feeling like that then maybe you can work on forgiving yourself," I offer.

He smiles back at me and brushes a fallen strand of hair out of my face, "We're quiet the pair, you and I," He murmurs.

I nod in agreement and shake my head in amusement, "You and I were definitely made for each other,"

He leans in to kiss me, keeping it short and sweet because of Kate. I turn to look at her and she's watching us with a fascinated look on her face.

"I've never seen such a strong vampire and human bond, it's usually only with vampires," She tells us.

"Edward and I have always had a strong bond," I say and hesitate with my next words, "That's why when I was faced with death by Victoria, I didn't care. I didn't want to live in a world without Edward."

He squeezes my hand softly, "You will never have to think that again," He assures me.

I squeeze back. Only time will tell if he actually means that.

"Would you have committed suicide if Edward hadn't returned but Victoria wasn't an issue?" Kate asks me.

I hold Edward's hand tightly and decide to tell the truth, "I was already thinking about it before Victoria took me."

"Oh, Bella," Edward sighs and wraps his arms around me; pulling me into a hug.

"And you, Edward, if you had found out Bella was dead, would you have killed yourself?" She asks him.

"I had planned to go to the Volturi. I was going to expose myself to the humans and force them to take action. They would have had to execute me for my crimes," He answers her.

" _Hmm_." She leans back against her chair. "I wonder if your connection is so strong because she is your singer?" She muses.

"It's an interesting theory," Edward responds.

"I can't wait to see how your connection will grow when she turns," Kate says almost gleefully.

"I'm not sure anyone's ready for that," I laugh.

Edward's eyes connect with mine, "I'm ready, I've been waiting for you for over a century."

My stomach does a flip, "I won't keep you waiting," I promise him.

He smiles so widely at me and my heart thuds wildly. He's never looked so beautiful with his smile and his eyes sparkling with happiness. I can't wait to marry. I can't wait to start my life with this wonderful man. I press my happy mouth to his.

 _I won't keep him waiting._

* * *

 **Please, leave a review so I know what you guys think :) Thanks for reading!**


	11. Chapter 11

**I OWN NOTHING. SM OWNS TWILIGHT. ALL I OWN IS MY DARK THOUGHTS :)**

 **THIS ISN'T BETA'D, SO PLEASE BE GENTLE WITH ME!**

 **Some chapters will be long and some short. It depends on how much comes out when I write.**

 _ **I don't have a posting schedule. I have a baby that is under a year old so she takes up most of my time but I promise I'll try and post as often as possible.**_

 **Hey! Leave a review so I know what you guys are thinking! Do you love it? Do you hate it? Always try and be respectful though; there's no need for hatred. Thanks for taking the time to read my story!**

 ** _[THERE WILL BE A HEA FOR BELLA AND EDWARD, BE PATIENT WITH ME PLEASE.]_**

 _Chapter Eleven_

 _Song: Only Hope by Mandy Moore_

I give you my destiny  
I'm giving you all of me  
I want your symphony  
Singing in all that I am  
At the top of my lungs

I'm giving it my all

* * *

"So, how are things going with Edward?" Dad asks me as we sit across from each other in the lounge area.

It's Friday and I'm being released. It's been a long year. We're waiting for the Cullens to get here so we can all walk out together - a new beginning.

"Good. Everything's great right now," I reply and twist my bottle cap in my hands.

He raises his bushy greying eyebrow at me, "You two aren't rushing, right?" He questions.

"No, I mean, we've discussed marriage and babies without arguing about anything but he knows that won't be for another year... maybe more," I tell him truthfully.

He releases the breath he was holding, "That's good, I think you two should take it slow, you're still healing," He reminds me.

I smile at him, "I know, daddy. I could never bring a child into this mess."

He pats my hand, "You're not a mess, Bells, you're a surviour. You're the strongest person I've ever known but you still need to work on you and decide what you want, without any influences," He says pointedly.

That makes me roll my eyes, "Edward's what I want, dad, and he's going to be in your life for a long time," I say.

He rubs his jaw before nodding, "I know, baby. Understand where I'm coming from... I'm your dad; I'm supposed to protect you," He tells me.

I lay my hand atop of his and squeeze gently, "I'm always going to need you, daddy, but... Edward wants me to need him too."

He grunts and straightens up, "Where did my little girl go? Now you're here talking marriage and babies. It wasn't that long ago you were outside chasing Jake around and making mud-pies together," He says nostalgically.

I laugh, "I guess I grew up," I tell him simply.

"Yeah," He squeezes my fingers, "I guess you did."

Before we can say anything else, the Cullens walk through the big glass doors.

Edward is the first to greet me; wrapping me in his arms and hugging me tightly. He whispers in my ear how he's missed me. I return the sentiment.

"Edward," Dad says and holds out his hand.

"Chief Swan," Edward replies and shakes Dad's hand.

"I expect you to take care of my baby the way you would your own," Dad tells him sternly.

I blush, "Dad!" I go to complain but Edward cuts me off.

"Of course, Chief, Bella means everything to me, I won't let her down again," He swears and his eyes lock on mine.

Dad studies Edward for a second before saying, "See to it you don't." Then he's off and talking with Carlisle.

Edward smiles at me, "Your dad was thinking about shooting me if I messed up again," He tells me.

I snort and cover my mouth; realizing the unladylike noise came from me but Edward pulls my hand away; telling me never to hide any part of myself from him. I feel warm.

Esme makes her way over and hugs me in her mom arms, "I'm so proud of you, Bella, you're accomplishments are truly astounding and I'm proud to call you my daughter," She compliments me.

I tear up, "Thank you, Esme, you have no idea how good that makes me feel," I say and wipe under my eyes with a shy chuckle.

"Oh, Bella, my sweet daughter," She affectionately strokes my hair.

She steps back when Carlisle comes over and hugs me as well.

"Bella, I'm so happy you're getting out of here, the progress you've made is amazing," He tells me and takes my arm by the elbow.

I can hear the low growl Edward lets out and turn to look at him. What is his problem?

Carlisle chuckles lowly, "Oh, yes, Edward would like to be the one to escort you out of the building and into your new life," He explains.

I shake my head, "Alright, come on already, Edward, some of us are aging over here," I tease and hold my hand out to him.

He rolls his eyes playfully at me but takes my hand and entwines our fingers. We walk towards the doors and I turn back to see Kate leaning against the wall watching me. In a moment of pure impulsiveness I turn around and, as fast as I can, dart over to her. I wrap my arms around her hard body and hug her tightly.

"Thank you, Kate, so much."

She hugs me back and brushes fallen hair out of my face, "You know I'm only a call away, Bella. Always," She assures.

I smile at her, "I know; I'm so thankful for you and everything you've done. You've... well, you've become my family, Kate," I tell her.

Her eyes glisten and she looks so happy, "I'm so proud of you, Bella, you've done amazing things. I know you'll be okay."

And with that and a playful shove towards Edward, I'm back in his arms.

"Are you ready?" He asks me with a crooked smile. My favorite smile.

I squeeze his hand as hard as I can, "I am," I tell him truthfully as we take a step outside.

The others follow behind us and when the sun hits my face, I feel like... I can breathe again. I can't describe the feeling that washes over me but Edward must feel my emotion because he pulls me closer to him and puts his finger under my chin so I look up at him.

I bite my lip and tears pool in my eyes, "Is it over? Like really over?" I ask him with such emotion in my voice that he wraps me in his arms.

He hugs me to his solid chest and I feel him exhale roughly, "It is, baby, it really is," He assures and rests his cheek atop my head.

I twist my fingers into his shirt and laugh breathlessly, "I just want to go home, Edward, with you," I tell him.

He pulls away from me so he can look at me, "Really?" His eyes gage my reaction.

"Really. You are my home and wherever you go, I want to go too," I promise.

His thumb strokes my warm cheek, "I love you, so much, Bella," He tells me.

His love wraps around me and surrounds me with amazing light I feel dizzy, "I love you, Edward, more than anything else possible."

He smiles again, his eyes light and clear of guilt for the first time in what feels like forever, "Let's go home, baby," He says and takes my hand again.

"Let's." I agree.

I turn behind to give the place that saved my life once last glance before turning back around.

Leaving behind my past, I walk towards my future Edward.

* * *

 **Please, leave a review so I know what you guys think :) Thanks for reading!**

 **Sorry for the delay guys and for a short chapter! My husband brought home a wicked cold and gave to me and of course I gave it to the baby so I've been trying to take care of her and get myself better! Hopefully I'll start feeling better soon! Thanks for understanding!**


	12. Chapter 12

**I OWN NOTHING. SM OWNS TWILIGHT. ALL I OWN IS MY DARK THOUGHTS :)**

 **THIS ISN'T BETA'D, SO PLEASE BE GENTLE WITH ME!**

 **Some chapters will be long and some short. It depends on how much comes out when I write.**

 _ **I don't have a posting schedule. I have a baby so she takes up most of my time but I promise I'll try and post as often as possible.**_

 **Hey! Leave a review so I know what you guys are thinking! Do you love it? Do you hate it? Always try and be respectful though; there's no need for hatred. Thanks for taking the time to read my story!**

 _Chapter Twelve_

 _Song: Turning page by Sleeping At Last_

 _I surrender who I've been for who you are_  
 _For nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart_  
 _If I had only felt how it feels to be yours_  
 _Well I would have known_  
 _What I've been living for all along_

 _What I've been living for_

* * *

I'm mindlessly doing the laundry as my thoughts drift someplace else.

I can't believe I'm here. If you had asked me a year ago I would have laughed at you. It took months of convincing Charlie I would be okay living with Edward but it finally happened. Our cottage deep in the forest but not far from the Cullens house is three bedrooms and two bathrooms. It's perfect. Edward and I officially live together like a normal couple. It was weird, adjusting to living with another person that didn't need to do everything I needed to do. At first I made Edward leave the house entirely when I needed to go to the bathroom but now I don't care. My period was a whole other issue because he couldn't just ditch me for a week while I was PMSing. He had to learn to deal with that shit like every other man does when they decide to shack up with their girl. So, like every good man, Edward bought me chocolates and brought me my heating pad and let me have space when I was acting like an asshole for no reason. He even held me when I cried while listening to Phil Collins sing Against the odds... even if he thought I was ridiculous.

I giggle to myself as I fold another piece of laundry before I feel cold arms wrapping around me.

"Having fun in here, baby?" Edward asks me.

I hum and turn in his arms. I wrap my arms around his neck and he bends slightly so we can kiss properly. He pulls away, like always, when it starts to get heated. I groan in frustration.

"Soon, my love," He promises, _like always_.

" _Mmmhmmm_..." I say sarcastically.

He grins and bites his bottom lip - _tease_ \- and tilts his head at me, "Are you almost ready for our trip?" He questions.

I nod, "Yeah, I'm almost all packed, although I'm sure Alice will want to go through everything and approve it," I say with a sigh.

He wraps his long arms around my waist and rests his chin on my shoulder in such a human gesture I don't think he realizes it, "Just remember, very soon, baby, you and I will be in England, just the two of us for your birthday," He reminds me.

I smile hugely, "I still can't believe you're taking me to England for my birthday, this is crazy."

He pushes my hair behind my ear, "I just want you to have so many happy memories while you're still human," He tells me.

"You're my happiest memory," I say cheesily.

He smiles and shakes his head before bending down slowly to kiss me again.

"I love you," He whispers against my lips.

My eyes flutter shut as I breathe in his heavenly smell, "I love you," I return dreamily.

We're interrupted by a loud, impatient vampire who bursts through our front door.

"Bella! You have to let me see what you packed for England!" Alice demands.

"Come on in, Alice," Edward says sarcastically and making me giggle.

Alice rolls her eyes, "I could see you two were finished and it's not like anything else was going to happen," She snarks and flits over to my suitcase.

I glare at Edward, " _Mmmhmm_ , Alice would know all about our lack of a sex life," I pout.

He lets his fingers trail softly down my cheek, "You're so impatient, my sweet little human," He teases and then tells me he has to go talk to Carlisle.

I quirk an eyebrow at him but nod, telling him it's fine before turning back to Alice.

"Why haven't you packed any lingerie?" She questions while holding my eyes.

I hold her gaze right back, proud of myself for being able to keep eye contact with those inhuman gold eyes, "Because, Allie, nothing ever happens," I exaggerate with a huff.

She purses her lips, "Well, I just happened to go to La Perla and... I bought you new stuff," She says and revels bags of sexy underwear.

"Whoa, you expecting something to happen on this trip?" I ask in a teasing voice as I look through the bags; noticing a lot of deep blues.

"Make something happen," She replies and then moves on to asking me if I've remembered my passport.

...

...

.

...

...

The flight from Seattle to London is 10 hours and by the time we land, I'm feeling it.

I'm cranky and I want to eat so Edward stops at a restaurant with good reviews.

"I hope this is okay, baby," He comments as he helps me out of the car.

Some times my leg still acts up in the cold but Edward is always there to help me.

"It's perfect, thank you, babe," I tell him as we walk towards the restaurant hand in hand.

"What do you want to do after this?" He asks me as we wait for the hostess to seat us.

I stretch my arms over my head and lean into him, "Mm. Take a hot bath and then snuggle in a huge bed with you until I pass out from exhaustion," I tell him honestly.

"That sounds perfect to me," He presses his lips to my neck and causes me to shiver.

"Cullen? Right this way, guys," The friendly woman says as she beckons us to follow her.

Edward gestures me to go first and follows close behind me as the hostess leads us to our table. Edward pulls out my chair and I plop down heavily which makes him chuckle as he sits angelically next to me.

"What can I get you to drink?" She asks us.

Unsure, I just order a water as does Edward. She nods and disappears.

I sigh heavily, "I'm so tired," I complain.

Edward strokes my fingers softly, "Maybe we should leave and get room service?" He suggests.

I purse my lips, "No way, we've already been seated, that would be so awkward just leaving! Besides, my hungry out ways my tiredness," I tell him while resting my chin on my folded hands.

He smiles at me, causing me to be dazzled like always, and runs his fingertips along my cheek, "Okay, sweetheart."

I melt into a pile of goo at his term of endearment. He knows I love it when he calls me sweetheart, it's my weak point.

Our waitress comes over with our waters and gets my order of fish and chips; side-eyeing Edward when he doesn't order anything.

"What was she thinking when you didn't order any food?" I ask him curiously.

He rubs his chin, "She was thinking that I'm a weirdo and that I'm probably on some weird American diet," He replies.

I laugh loudly, "Hmm. If she only knew..." I tease.

He entwines our fingers and brings my hand up to press to his lips, "I love you," He reminds me.

I smile at him, caught in his gaze, "I love you more."

He shakes his head, "No way," He argues playfully.

"Mm, I think yes," I say.

"I guess we'll always fight about who loves who more as long as we live," He tells me.

"Not the worst thing to fight about, is it?" I shrug lazily.

"No, it's definitely not," He agrees.

I love how easy it is to love him and how he jokes with me. Some times I get so emotional with how much I enjoy life with Edward and how long it took us to get here. In some ways, Edward doesn't even realize how human our relationship is. The way we had to work on our relationship and build each other up. I like to think it's made our relationship a million times stronger.

"Do you think our relationship is stronger after everything we've been through?" I wonder as I play with my straw.

He nods, "I think so; I'm so grateful you gave me another chance and we were able to grow as a couple."

"We gave each other another chance at love and it worked out amazingly. I love our life together, Edward, everything is perfect," I say emotionally and suddenly I'm afraid I'm going to start crying.

Edward presses my hand against his cold cheek before kissing my hand again, "You will forever be the best part of me, Bella, and I thank you for that," He tells me.

I try to discreetly wipe my eyes but it just makes him chuckle, "You always have a way of making me cry in the worst places," I accuse.

He shrugs his shoulders at me and shows me his palms in surrender, "It's not my fault! You bring it out of me!" He says playfully.

I'm about to tease him even more when my food finally comes out. I scarf it down so fast I don't even taste it while Edward watches me in amazement. After he pays the bill, he stands and holds out his hand for me.

"Let's get out of here so I can watch you take that bath," He says so easily that it causes me to burst into laughter.

"Yeah, right, like you'd ever sneak a peak," I playfully shove him and he allows me to.

"Maybe it's time," He replies casually and holds the door open for me.

"You are such a tease, Edward Cullen, I swear to God... I'm going to have to touch myself in front of you to get a response," I grumble.

I think I've said that lowly but the men in front of us turning to look at me and laughing tells me I've been loud.

"I'll help you with that if he won't, beautiful," One of the young guys says flirtatiously.

I blush, my skin heating up, "You wish!" I return but clutch Edward's arm a little harder.

He lets me pull him closer until I'm basically attached to his side. His laugh is easy, though, as he tells the guys he's got it under control. They laugh obnoxiously loud, obviously feeling their alcohol, and go on their merry way.

"Did they have bad thoughts?" I ask Edward.

He shakes his head, "No, baby, they had drunk thoughts, they think you're gorgeous and they were a little sad that you were taken but they weren't thinking about harming you," He assures me.

I nod, "I could tell by how calm you were."

"You know I'll never let anything happen to you," He says seriously.

I snuggle into his side, "I know you won't, baby," I say as we continue to the car.

Later, I'm soaking in the huge tub as Edward starts the fireplace. It's dropped to the forties so it's chilly and perfect for a fire.

I giggle at the book I'm reading as the bubbles surround me in the hot bath. Suddenly, I feel the water shift and look up to see Edward climbing in. I let my book fall to the ground with a loud thud against the tile floor. I watch him for a second, wondering if I'm imagining this or if it's really happening.

"Hi," He says gently.

I'm memorized by the way his pale skin looks under the glow of the water that it takes me a second to finally speak.

"Hi, umm, what's going on?" I ask; trying to sound casual.

"I thought I'd sneak a peak," He says calmly with that sly smile of his.

I roll my eyes, "Is that so? Well? What do you think?" I question. My heart is thudding in my ears.

His eyes run over my body for a second before he meets my eyes, "Stunning, beautiful, magnificent, but I already knew that," He tells me, those golden eyes intense.

I grin, "You're such an old man but I love you anyway."

He raises his eyebrow at me, "Old man, huh? I'll show you old man!" He pulls me closer to him and suddenly, I'm sitting on his very naked lap.

I'm startled for a second before I close my eyes and lean forward to kiss him. He meets me halfway and deepens the kiss. His hands fist into my hair, making it damp, as he continues his ravish on my lips. I feel his hands leave my hair and begin their journey downwards. He's touching skin as he explores my body. I've never felt so warm in my life as his cold hands skim the tops of my breasts.

I pull back, "What's happening?" I wonder breathlessly.

He cocks his head, "Do you want me to stop?" He asks worriedly.

"God no! I mean, please, don't, I just... I didn't expect this, are we... are we having sex tonight?" I ask him.

His eyes shine in the light of the bathroom, "No, baby, not tonight, but I'd like to touch you if that's okay with you?" He makes it sound like a question, as if he's asking my permission.

I let my head fall back, exposing my neck to him, "It's more then okay, Edward," I breathe.

"Should we move outside of the bath? It's starting to get cold."

"Okay," I agree easily, just wanting him to continue his torture with his magical fingers on my very hot skin.

He carries me out and, in the blink of an eye, lays me down on a very soft blanket in front of the fireplace. My skin is still damp from the water as he slowly begins his touching again. Then, when I think it can't get much better, he runs his tongue along my collarbone catching the beaded water. I moan his name and arch into him. My hands have a mind of their own as I clutch his hair tightly. I open my eyes and find his.

"Are you alright, my love?" He asks me as he trails his fingertips down the inside of my trembling thigh.

"Oh God, Edward, please, please," I beg uncaringly.

His intense eyes hold mine as he dips his fingers lower and when he finds me, hot and wet, he moans aloud.

"Bella, you feel... there are no words, I can't describe how amazing you feel, your body was made for me," He says causing me to clench at his words. He feels it of course and smiles. "Do you like my words, baby? Do you want me to keep talking? Telling you how warm you are. How wet you are for me, just for me, always for me. I bet you taste as sweet as you smell."

He brings his glistening fingers to his mouth and sucks them clean. I shake violently, moaning, and I think I can cum just by his words alone. I don't have to though because as soon as he wraps his lips around my nipple, it causes my body to explode. I cry out, searching for Edward, needing him closer to me. He covers me with his body and I don't even feel the cold. I rub against him shamelessly and he responds. He entwines our fingers and holds them above my head as he rocks his hips with mine. Our lips crash together and I'm close again that I start to move erratically. Finally, I find what I need as soon as he finds his release.

I open my eyes, wanting to watch him, and stare at his gorgeous face as it tightens and his eyes squeeze shut. My chest is heaving as he blinks rapidly down at me in a daze. I put my hand on his chest and feel him taking deep breaths as well.

I giggle, my bones feel like noodles, "Wow... That was amazing. Can we do it again?" I hug him tighter to my naked body.

He sighs into my neck, "You are incredible, Bella, I've never felt like that in my entire life, I..." He hesitates but I urge him to continue. "I want to do that everyday with you."

My heart feels like it might implode with happiness, "Can it be multiple times a day?" My face burns with pleasure as I roll him onto his back and straddle his waist.

His groin is sticky from his release and I roll my hips around which causes him to moan.

"Baby.." He warns; gently putting his hands on my hips.

"It's not what I expected," I whisper almost to myself.

He's hard, really hard, but not cold. I wonder if it's psychological or if I'm adjusting to his temperature because this is consensual between us. It's love. It's everything I want and more.

"What's that, baby?" He wonders as I continue to rock my hips.

"You. Your... dick. It's not... umm.. scary? I don't know what I'm trying to say. I just.. feel amazing with you, like this, and you're not cold. I was wondering if that was psychological because I'm feeling good. I'm with the person I love and my body knows it. I'm sorry, I'm ruining this," I complain and fall forward onto his solid chest.

His arms wrap around me and he brings me with him as he sits up. He brushes the hair from my face.

"Don't downplay what you're feeling, Bella, nothing you ever think or feel is wrong. I want you to always tell me what you're thinking or how you feel. I love that you feel close enough to me to never hide from me. Now, to answer your question, maybe it is psychological, maybe your brain is telling your body it's okay and your body is responding. I, for one, love the way it responds to me," He practically purrs and rubs himself against me.

I giggle again and make sure he can feel the wetness that's seeping out and covering him, "You better stop teasing me, Edward Cullen, I won't be held responsible for what my vagina does to you," I tell him and watch as his large hands cup my breasts.

"How have I lived without touching you for so long?" He murmurs as he plays with my nipple; causing my stomach to clench.

My head rolls back and he takes that opportunity to kiss and lick my neck. I want to cry it feels so good.

"You realize... I could just move a little to the left and you'd be inside me," I tell him, out of breath.

He pulls back slightly to look at me directly, holding my eyes, "I want our first time to be special, my love."

"More special then this? We're in England on a blanket in front of fire inside a very expensive hotel, this is special, baby," I remind him.

"I... I just have it planned out, okay? Can you just be patient for a little longer?" He pleads.

Hope surges through me, "Are we going to make love in England?" I question.

He chuckles and rolls his eyes at me, "Of course we are," He says with a duh.

I smile, "I hope it's everything you've imagined," I mutter, slightly self conscious.

"Oh no you don't! Why are you getting all shy with me now? You're still sitting on top of me, naked, and you were rubbing on me like a cat in heat a few moments ago. What's wrong, sweetheart?" He strokes my cheek.

"I just... I want it to be good for you. You've been waiting a very long time to have sex with someone and you decided it should be me... I just don't want to not live up to your exceptions," I tell him honestly.

He tilts my chin up so I'm looking at me, "Baby, I think any man feels lucky to be allowed to touch and share this intimate moment with another person, I've waited this long because I knew the love of my life was out there, waiting for me, and when I found you, I knew I wanted to wait until our moment was perfect because you deserve nothing but perfection, my love."

My eyes well up with tears as I hide my face in his neck, "I love you so much, Edward; I'm so glad you found me," I cry.

He rubs my back soothingly, "We found each other," He corrects.

He holds me like this until I fall asleep, naked, in his arms.

...

...

.

...

...

"Make sure you dress warmly, sweetheart, I don't want you being cold while we're out and about," Edward reminds me as I'm getting ready.

"Okay, baby," I respond as I fluff out my curls that flow down my shoulders.

I put on some mascara to bring some attention to my brown eyes and decide I look nice. I'm wearing a white long sleeved sweater dress with black leggings and tan flat boots. I slid on my long tan jacket and I'm good to go.

"You look beautiful, baby," Edward compliments me.

"Well, you look handsome yourself, are we going somewhere fancy?" I pry.

He grins at me, "We're doing the usual tourist stuff... see big ben, take a ride on the tube and go check out the London eye," He tells me.

I nod at him as we make our way towards the glass elevator.

Our morning starts off by going on the London eye and I'm amazed by how beautiful the city is.

"Are you ready for our next stop?" Edward asks me.

"Yeah! I'm having an amazing time with you, baby!" I say and twirl around to look at everything we pass.

"We're off to see the Queens Guard," He tells me with a smile.

I link our fingers and shove our hands into my jacket pocket as if that will help. That makes him chuckle and shake his head muttering about how cute I am.

There are a lot of people around when we get to the Queens Guard. We approach slowly and I look up at Edward.

"How do you think they keep from getting bored? It must be awful standing here all day," I say as I study one of the men. I turn towards Edward, "Unless... are they vampires?" I whisper. I see out of the corner of my eye one of the guards look at me which answers my question. "Whoa... huh. You guys are everywhere. Just hiding out in plain sight. Guess it makes sense, he has on that huge hat and is all covered up so you can't see skin."

Edward huffs, "You're too smart for your own good, baby."

I study the guard and notice that his eyes are also gold. Hmm. I wonder if the Queen is... no, she can't be. Can she?

Suddenly, music begins to play around us. I know it - Mariage D'Amour. It's a beautiful piece. I sigh and rest my head against Edward's shoulder. As I'm enjoying the music, I notice the guards begin to move. I didn't think anything of it until they begin to circle us. I startle and look up at Edward. He's looking down at me with his penetrating eyes. All the guards start to lower themselves onto one knee in front of me.

My heart is pounding all throughout my body and my mouth is dry as I turn towards Edward in what seems like slow motion. He's down on one knee and staring up at me. He tells me he's loved me his entire life and asks me to marry him. The ring is stunning: gold, long and oval with round diamonds surrounding it. It feels as delicate as it looks. It's perfect. It's mine.

I feel the tears streak down my face as I lurch forward and hug him.

He laughs, "Is that a yes?" He asks.

"Of course, you silly man! A million times yes!" I sob out.

"Oh my God! Esme, she said yes!" I hear a familiar voice shout in the crowd.

When I turn to look for the voice, I see my dad, mom, Phil and the Cullens standing there. My mom is crying and clutching both Charlie's and Phil's hands. I look at my dad's face and he smiles at me. I'm so happy I don't know how to contain all of it.

I turn back to Edward, "You did all this? Just to propose to me?" I question and the tears are still flowing.

He cups my heated cheek, "I want you to remember all these moments, even after you've turned, I want to know that I've given you the best life," He answers.

I shake my head in awe, "Baby, all I need is you to have the best life, everything else is just an added bonus."

My mom comes barreling towards us, "Oh my God! Bella! My baby's getting married!" She cries and pulls me into her arms.

"Mom, I'm so happy you're here! Were you in on this?" I ask her.

She pulls back and daps at her eyes with her tissue, "No, Phil asked me to go to England with him and I had no idea! I thought it was just going to be something baseball related!" She says at a million miles an hour.

I turn towards Phil and he shrugs; telling me that Edward planned the entire thing.

"Daddy... you came all the way to England just for this?" I ask Charlie.

His eyes are shiny and his cheeks are pink, "Just for this? Bella, it's not everyday that my baby girl gets proposed to. Of course I came all this way. I'd travel to the moon if I had to," He says with such emotion that it causes me to hug him tightly.

"I love you so much, daddy. Thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for being my dad," I whisper to him.

He squeezes me, "Thank you for being my daughter," He replies.

This is a lot of emotions for the two of us and I have to keep rubbing my tear filled eyes.

"Did you know about this?" I question Charlie.

He chuckles, "Of course I did, Bella. Edward asked my permission to marry you and then he asked me to help him set up the trip to London. I know Edward will keep you safe and I know he'll be a good husband and give you a good life. I trust him with my baby girls heart," He says and nods at Edward.

Edward comes over to us and shakes Charlie's hand, "I will cherish her until the end of my life, Charlie," He swears.

"I know you will, Edward, but don't forget, I have guns and I do know how to make someone disappear," Charlie threatens playfully.

I laugh, stupidly happy, and pull the two most important men in my life into a hug with me smushed in the middle. Charlie goes to talk to Carlisle and Esme; leaving Edward and me alone.

"I can't believe I get everything I want, please, tell me I'm not dreaming," I mumble into Edward's chest.

He leans down to press his lips to my cheek gently, "You're not dreaming, my love, and if anyone deserves to get everything out of life, it's you."

I tilt my head up wanting his lips and he gives them readily. We kiss until my lips are sore and until my mother interrupts us.

"Let me see your ring, Bella!" She practically shots as she pulls my hand towards her. Cooing, she strokes my ring finger, "It's beautiful."

"It belonged to my late mother," Edward supplies for her.

"That makes it even more special! How wonderful!" Renee gasps.

I blink at Edward, "This was your moms? I'm honored to wear it."

"I knew you would love it, having a piece of me and my family," He says.

"You were right," I whisper back, still staring at my sparkling ring.

"Alright! Well, Phil and I are going to go grab some lunch! Charlie, do you want to come with us?" Renee asks loudly.

"Sure, I could eat," Charlie shrugs and hugs me one more time before following them.

"Congrats, guys, I'm so excited to help you start planning the wedding!" Alice chirps and hugs me tightly.

"You're going to be the best maid of honor," I tell her and watch as her eyes widen with excitement.

She clears her throat, "Well, we better go, we'll see you guys back at home, have a fun rest of your vacation," She tells us and dances away towards Jasper who nods at us.

Esme pulls me into her motherly arms, "I can't believe I get the honor of having another beautiful daughter enter this family, I've been so blessed in my long life," She brushes the hair out of my face and kisses my cheek.

"You don't know how much you've helped me, Esme, and I can't thank you enough for being a mother to me when I needed one the most," I tell her.

She smiles sweetly at me, "I will always be a mother to you whenever you need me to be, Bella."

Carlisle clears his throat and slaps Edward on the back, "Congratulations you two, I'm honored to have you join our family, Bella, you've always been a daughter to me and I can't thank you enough for bringing Edward back to us and making this family whole again."

I hug him tightly and close my eyes as he rubs my back soothingly.

"Thank you for being there for me, Carlisle, even when I was... not so nice."

"You're my family, Bella, I'll always be here for you."

Edward pulls me away, "Alright, guys, I really want to spend the rest of the evening with my fiancé," He says.

I blush; feeling the heat go down my body, "I don't know if I'll ever get tired of hearing that," I giggle.

"Let's go, fiancé, I have big plans for us tonight."

* * *

 **Please, leave a review so I know what you guys think :) Thanks for reading!**


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